Page 33 of Experiments in Offline Dating
Simone laughed a deep, husky, delighted, witchy cackle, a reflection of her cold, black soul that reminded me why I did all of this.
I went on before she had a chance to stop. “Episode Thirty: ‘Cocktails with Casually Racist Cliff from Connemara.’”
She had to choke the laugh down to get some words out. “Oh my God. What did he say?”
“He said foreigners were going to steal his creepy panel van.”
She laughed so hard I held the phone away from my face. “Amazing! Holy crap! Are we allowed to talk about it?”
“Yeah, Jackie asked.”
“Incredible! What about the other date?”
In answer, I pushed out a long, drawn-out groan which I dragged up from the very depths of my tortured soul.
“Tell me!”
“Well, do you remember that hilarious stand-up set I showed you?”
“The one with the vitamin condom?”
“Yep.”
“Yeah. Why?” I stayed silent. It took a minute. Then she gasped. The woman who had spent years of her life listening to every stupid mistake I made on a date actually gasped in horror. “No. Maya. You didn’t. You wouldn’t. Nobody would do that!”
“Yeah. I would.”
“No!”
“Yep.”
“Noooooo!”
“Yeah.”
“But why? How?”
“He was just. I don’t know. He really hated me. And I hadn’t even had the chance to talk about cat colons yet. He just hated me on sight. I couldn’t figure out why, so I thought maybe it was just . . . you know, Irish banter or something.”
“Maya!”
“Well!”
“Tell me that you did not make fun of the size of his penis!”
“Kind of? I’m not entirely sure. But I did absolutely tell him that he smelled bad and tasted like asshole.”
“Tasted like asshole? You tasted him? You’ve tasted an asshole?”
“No . . . it was just a bit from when they made me do a blind-date game onstage. And don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answers to, Simone.”
“They what? Blind-date game? You have got to be kidding me! Are you serious? Holy crap! I can’t wait to record this show.”
“Yeah. This trip has pretty much paid for itself already. Episode Thirty-Two: ‘Brawling in a Brewpub with Brick House Brian.’”
She laughed. “Why brick house?”
“Because he was built like one.”
