Page 3 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Simone: Oh yeah. Totally my fault.

Maya: Agreed. And lastly, number four: I just don’t think ‘spinster’ is an insult! At least it shouldn’t be. I know that historically the word has been used to demean women and make them feel small. Most people would say it’s anti-feminist. And there’s no real male equivalent. But I’m here to say that there’s nothing wrong with being an unmarried woman! I want to reclaim the word. Own that shit! Okay, sure, if I miraculously found love after thirty-eight years on the planet, I’d consider making some changes. But my life is really great as it is. I have everything I need. I love my routine. I have zero drama. Life as a spinster is . . . kinda wonderful, actually.

Simone: But, to be clear, you would like to find someone, right? You are actually trying on these dates, and not just throwing the fight for comedic effect?

Maya: No, no, that would be bad science! I’d definitely like to try being in love. That’s why I started this whole experiment in the first place. I’m curious! I’d really love to see what all the fuss is about! I just don’t need love the way I think a lot of other people do.

Simone: What about sex?

Maya: Well, sure. I definitely need sex! But sex can be great with other people, or alone, and love is not needed for either of those activities.

Simone: At least now I know why you’re always too busy to pick up your phone.

Maya: I never pick up the phone because I know it’s you, and I’m so seldom in the mood to talk about your obsession with KFC copycat recipes.

Simone: Rude.

Maya: I mean . . . the real KFC is just not that expensive.

Simone: That’s not the point. How many times? Ugh! Never mind. Just tell us what’s changing for Season Two.

Maya: So, this season we’re going to do things a little differently. Since I remain a spinster, and last year was not what we would call a romantic triumph, we’re going to try something entirely new and revolutionary. So groundbreaking that it’ll leave you breathless. We’re going . . . offline.

Simone: But Maya. What can you mean?

Maya: I’m so glad you asked, Simone! Since the advent of the Tinder era, meeting one’s match in modern civilization has transformed unrecognizably. Centuries-old traditions for coupling have changed in an instant. Recent studies show that one in ten partnered American adults claim to have met their match online. I gave it a whirl with disastrous results. So, after years of doing it badly, I wanted to make sense of it. So, I used my science background and started a blog—

Simone: A hilarious blog.

Maya: Aw, thanks. Anyway, one thing led to another, and now here we are doing a podcast.

Simone: You haven’t answered the question, Maya.

Maya: I was just getting to that. So, for years I’ve been swiping, and super-liking, and matching, and commenting, and sending the first text, and coming home at the end of a long day to message literally dozens of men about how my day was.

Simone: Why do they always ask how your day was? Why is that the opening gambit?

Maya: I really have no idea. But we did crunch the figures last year, and it says here that seventy-six percent of men messaging me on dating apps between the years of 2022 and 2026 began a brand-new conversation with the line—and I quote—“Hey Maya how are you.”

Simone: Crap, that’s just . . . so uninspired.

Maya: Yes. And, almost across the board, without punctuation.

Simone: Nooooo!

Maya: Yes!

Simone: Monsters!

Maya: Right? Punctuation is the window to the soul.

Simone: Okay, we’re getting distracted.

Maya: Anyway, so, because we tried so many dates, the “modern” way last season that didn’t work, this season we are denouncing all apps, and we’re going to try it the old-fashioned way: offline.

Simone: Ooo.

Maya: Do that again.