Page 14 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Oh no. Don’t do that, Maya. I’ll be a good boy.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

Annie laughed. “Do you have a question for Bachelor Number Three, Maya?”

“Similar question but a little different—Bachelor Number Three, pretend you’re an animal, and give me your wildest mating call.” I smiled wickedly. I’d seen similar questions on The Dating Game. The results often involved silly monkey impersonations and were invariably embarrassing.

“No. I’ll not be doing that.”

“Ahh, come on, Bachelor Number Three, be a good sport,” Annie said. Nothing happened. Then the audience started shouting and cheering. “Come on, now, the good people in the crowd are awfully invested. You don’t want to start a riot, do ye?”

He waited a long moment, and I suppose he eventually realized that he didn’t have a choice.

“Christ. Fine. My mating call to you would sound like this.” He cleared his throat, making me wait for it, and I could hear that he’d leaned in closer to his microphone, playing off of the crowd. “Choose. Anyone. But. Me.”

“What kind of animal is that?” Annie asked.

I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure it’s a jackass.” Everyone laughed, even the bachelors, and I thought I even heard a deep, scratchy rumble that might have come from Number Three, but I couldn’t be sure.

“All right, last question before you have to make your big decision, Maya.”

Oh! I hadn’t prepared anything. Oh well. One dumb question was as good as any other.

“Okay. This is another one for all three gentlemen. If you were a dessert, which one would you be and why?”

“Bachelor Number One.”

“Bread pudding. Blah blah blah all the leftovers. Something something, hot and steamy . . . something something, those damn crows again!”

I was so glad I was recording this. I couldn’t wait to get it translated.

“All right. Good answer. If you like that sorta thing,” Annie said. “Bachelor Number Two.”

“Well, I’d be one of those frozen banana thingies that you keep in your icebox. Because, Maya, I’d be solid as a rock and happy to see ye every time you opened the door.”

“Holy moly!” I can’t even believe this! Is this what people get up to over here? It’s broad daylight outside!

“You’ve shocked her, Bachelor Number Two, but will she be swayed by your subtle charms? We’ll soon find out!” Annie said, and I laughed. “Bachelor Number Three.”

“A damned dessert? Do I really have to answer that?”

“Now, you know Tony and the lads there won’t let you off this stage until you do,” Annie said.

He huffed.

“Come on, then,” Annie pushed.

“Well, I guess I’d be a fecking lemon tart, wouldn’t I? And all of you well know it.”

I barked out a laugh. The audience lost control, if they’d ever had any. He was such an asshole, but at least he knew it. This was pure podcast gold. Every second of it.

“All right, all right, calm down now. So . . . Maya. I’m going to have to ask you to make the hardest decision of your life and choose one—just one—of these beautiful male specimens to go on a date with. And, of course, you will receive this hundred-euro gift certificate to the Roadside Tavern for dinner and drinks tonight. So, tell us all, before the crowd gets out of hand. Maya . . . which one is your match?”

“Oooh . . . it’s an impossible choice.”

People in the crowd started yelling out numbers. I knew, obviously. The choice was already made. I wouldn’t be able to hear a single damn word out of Number One, and it would be a massively awkward date, and who knew what indiscernible things I might agree to by the end of the night. Number Two sounded both very horny and a million years old. I would need a bodyguard to go on a date with him. It had to be Number Three. And frankly, I was dying of curiosity.

“Hmmmm.” I drummed my fingers on my chin, and people got louder. “I think I’m going to choooose . . . Number Three!”