Page 137 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Exactly.” Maybe I should have been annoyed, but I cracked a smile. Hearing Jackie’s laugh did me some good. “Well, what do we do? Do I just write him some lame letter and hope he gets it?”

“Now, a letter can be beautiful. I love to get a letter in the post. But now that I’m thinking on it, you’re just better in person, Maya. With all those beautiful, carefree smiles and those big brown eyes of yours, well, it softens some of the blunt things you have to say.”

“That’s true. I’ve never been good with letters. What if I mailed you a flash drive with a video on it? Do you think you could get him to watch it?”

“Perhaps. I’d have to come right out and tell him that it was you the message was from.”

“I’m okay with that. And if he doesn’t want to hear from me, he doesn’t have to watch it. No trickery necessary.”

“Let’s do it! I’m cheering for you, Maya.”

“I have to be honest, I’d feel more confident if I had some of Jackie Kelly’s patented mischief on my side. But I’ll take what I can get.”

“You know what, my dear? The truth is, I don’t think you’re going to need it this time.”

“Jackie! Don’t make me cry again. Oh! And can you send me your measurements? I started knitting you a sweater.”

I NERVOUSLY TOOK one last look in the mirror, twisted some curls, dabbed on a little lipstick, wiped it off, sat down, and pressed record.

“Tadhg.” I took a deep breath and imagined that it was him sitting across the table from me instead of my laptop. My voice softened. “Tadhg. I’m not going to apologize. Not because I don’t owe you an apology, I definitely do, but because what I really want is to do that in person. So, I’m going to make this short and sweet.” I straightened my back and put what I hoped was playfulness into my tone.

“I challenge you, Tadhg Kelly, to join me for a love experiment, in New Zealand, all expenses paid. What you’re holding in your hand right now is a flight with your name on it. Well, I guess it’s more like a printout of an e-ticket, and my toner was low, and I really hope you are actually holding it in your hand, but there’s no way for me to see into the future and know that for sure.

“Anyway! Speaking of time travel, it was our answers at the dating game that kept making me wish I could go back and do the whole trip all over again with you. I would do almost everything differently, except for that time in the rain after the cave, and that time in the kitchen, oh, and that time in the bathtub, and . . . wait . . . is your dad listening? Crap, I hope not. Sorry, Jackie!”

I breathed out and tried not to be a weirdo. “You told me once that you had feelings for me. And I’ve since realized that I definitely have feelings for you too. I’m still trying to figure them out. But I think.” I bit my lip. “That I might actually be in love with you.

“So, if part of you feels the way it did before my emotional meltdown, let’s put it to the test. The challenge is this—meet me in New Zealand for a three-week road trip so that we can find out for sure how we feel about each other. Here are my proposed rules.” I held up a napkin I’d written on earlier.

“Rule One. Sex. Lots of it. Whenever we want it. Wherever we want it. God, I really hope Jackie isn’t there.

“Rule Two. Lots of kissing, both on the mouth and on the body.

“Rule Three. Excessive, unnecessary handholding is mandatory.

“Rule Four. Lots of turning each other on. All methods are hereby authorized, including but not limited to beard scratching, hair flipping, intentional use of calluses, and drawn-out ass wiggling when squeezing into a vehicle.

“Rule Five. Open conversations from both parties about feelings and plans for the future.

“Rule Six. Stop trying so hard not to fall in love. That one is mostly for me, because I’m an idiot.

“I know that you’re no longer available through phone or email, so I will not expect a response to this video. But I will be there, in Christchurch, New Zealand, on November twenty-seventh, and I will be waiting when the two-thirteen from Shannon arrives. And I hope, very much, that you will be on it. Is it dramatic and over the top? One hundred percent. But I think maybe falling in love for the first time in your life should be dramatic and over the top. And besides, it’s a grand gesture, and grand gestures always work in the movies. Also, to sweeten the deal, I have already purchased the Terror of the Nightrealm audiobook. Oh! And one last thing. I bought a ticket for Finn too. Because, against all reason, I miss her. But also because I like to listen to you call her a good girl.

“Okay. I really hope you watch this. I really hope you don’t think I’m as stupid as I feel right now. I really hope you come.” I breathed out again.

“Okay, over and out. Oh my God, that’s so stupid. Forget I said that.”

Chapter 46 An Experiment to End All Experiments

Had time stopped? I was pretty damn sure that time had stopped. I had been waiting at the Christchurch Airport for almost four and a half hours, and I was certain that I had somehow slipped into another dimension where time refused to be linear, everything smelled like microwaved meat-loaf sandwiches, and no planes landed. Ever.

Then the arrivals board changed. Delayed another hour. I tasted blood. This was how I died. It was my punishment from the universe for being a heartless twat.

Why? Why did I have to pretend that I was in a cheesy rom-com movie? Why didn’t I just say “Hey, I know you’re not using your phone or whatever, but please find a way to let me know if you ever want to see me again”?

I thought it would be romantic. This is where romance gets you! Stupid romance!

What if the plane finally landed and I waited for every last person to disembark and Tadhg wasn’t on there? What if he’d watched my video and chosen not to come? What if he hated me?