Page 131 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“Presents. Keep out. I should have bought a rattrap to keep your sneaky little fingers off.”

“Well, if you want me to be patient, then you’d better distract me with a cocktail.”

“Done.”

Simone brought out her fancy stemware, and we chopped and stirred together as we sipped fresh raspberry-thyme sake cocktails. We had our ramen at the table like sophisticated adults and talked podcasts, because when you’re passionate about work, it doesn’t feel like work.

“Okay. Sooo. You’ve had two cocktails, and I’ve been easy on you, which I should be canonized for, honestly. Now it’s time to tell me what’s happening with Tadhg.”

“What do you mean what’s happening? Nothing.” I stood up to start cleaning the table, but she grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into my chair.

“Come on, Maya. You’re not usually secretive.”

“I’m not being secretive, there are no secrets to tell.” My chest squeezed.

“Do you keep in touch?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“I have tried to call several times, and it went straight to voicemail.”

“And did you leave a voicemail?”

“That would have been clingy and embarrassing. Yes. Yes, I did.”

“And nothing?”

“Nothing.

“Really?”

“Crickets.”

“Wow.” She scanned my eyes for an extra beat until I looked away. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, sure. ’Course I am.”

“So we’ve moved on?”

“Nothing to move on from. Not one thing. Who were we talking about again?”

She made a suspicious face but let it drop. Then we put on two ridiculous glittery top hats, sat on the sofa, and I pulled the specially ordered cake from the box, lit a candle, and put it right in the middle of Colonel Sanders’s nose.

“No. Maya. Tell me you fucking didn’t, you twat waffle!” But she was already laughing, and by the time she blew out the candle, we were nearly in tears.

Then I handed her another gift. It was the Tender Wings of Desire poster I’d had made, showing an illustrated brawny Colonel Sanders carrying a woman to a castle, like a bodice-ripper cover. “I thought you could put it above your bed.”

It felt so good to laugh. But then I remembered that the last time I’d laughed so hard was when Tadhg had taught me what “gee-eyed” really meant, and the unshed tears in my eyes started to sting.

“All right, you, what’s up? And if you say ‘nothing’ again, I’m going to smash that entire Colonel Sanders cake in your face until you stop kicking.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time!”

She crossed her arms and waited. I sighed.

“I think I’m coming down with something. Or maybe it’s hormones. I don’t know.”