Page 128 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“I’m falling in love with you, Maya.” He waited. His eyebrows drew together. “It’s okay, darlin’. You don’t have to say anything.”

I couldn’t have said anything even if I’d wanted to. I couldn’t move. I just stared. Pain sliced through my stomach. I missed him already.

I had known this would have to be over soon. The storm had quieted. The water was still not safe for boats, but it would be soon, and we’d be heading back and I’d be flying back home. We both knew we couldn’t keep this going. There was no future there. Neither of us had room in our life for another person. And even if our lives could change, even if the whole goddamn world were different, I wasn’t different. I was the same Maya. I wasn’t in love. I didn’t know how to love him like that, even if I wanted to.

“But I . . .” I started. What could I say? “I can’t . . . I don’t . . . feel that way. It’s not something I can control, Tadhg. It’s not something that I can will into existence.” I saw it cross his face like a slap. “Which is good, right? Because you have your life, and I have mine. And I’m leaving soon.”

“I know that.”

“Well, then I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I didn’t ask you to say it back, Maya.” His voice was calm and even, but he turned and started chopping again, slow and steady.

“Then why say it at all?” I flung it at him, I nearly shouted. I never shouted at anyone. But Tadhg had just said the single most vulnerable thing a person can say to another person, and I was attacking him for it. I was a fucking monster. Unshed tears prickled my nose. I was back in college again. Crushing someone’s feelings under the heel of my cold, dead heart. “I can’t. I’m so sorry, Tadhg. I can’t do this. Not here. Not with you.”

“It’s all right. Look, I’m sorry, but I had to be honest. I couldn’t just keep this from you, Maya.”

“Yes, you could!”

“Maybe. But I didn’t want to.”

My chest crumpled. I hated myself. “We can’t . . . we can’t keep doing this, Tadhg. We . . . I don’t want to hurt you, and I already have, and . . .” The tears broke then, and my voice cracked as their salt slid into my mouth. I never cried. “It’s only going to get harder.”

He was such a big, strong, self-assured man. I wouldn’t give him hope, try again to love someone only to stand by and watch as week after week, or month after month, he grew more hurt and confused, more insecure, more bitter, because I couldn’t make myself feel the way he wanted me to.

I brushed my tears away with an angry hand, moved around to his side and turned him to look at me. I took a deep breath and calmed my voice. I needed him to hear this. I needed him to know that I meant it. I did not look away, as much as it pained me. I stared into his eyes, mine blurry with tears, and spoke very slowly.

“There is no future between us.”

He nodded. Once.

“You know that. We talked about it. You don’t want to give up your life and career, your family, for me, and I don’t want to give up my life and career for anyone. We both have lives that we love. And even if we didn’t . . .” I choked back a breath that shook my chest.

“Even if we didn’t, you couldn’t fall in love with me anyway.” He nodded again. “That’s okay, sweetheart. I just needed to hear you say it.”

I nodded too, some ridiculous, voiceless contract that we were signing. And then I couldn’t breathe for the tears and for the shattering pain pushing in on my chest, cracking my ribs.

Instead, I ran. To my own room. The room I’d never slept in. And I locked the door. And cried myself to sleep.

Sometime later, I was woken up by a voicemail alert. Eight of them in a row, all finally getting enough signal to burst through to my phone all at once. I pressed play. It was my mom. My father had had a heart attack and collapsed dead on a tennis court. He’d been revived with a defibrillator and was in the ICU. And I was trapped on an island in the middle of the angry Irish sea.

Chapter 43 An Experiment in Devotion

I ran to Tadhg. When he woke up and turned the lamp on, I was standing in the middle of the room, crying.

“What is it? Jesus, Maya. What’s wrong?”

I sucked in sobs but couldn’t get any words out. He got up and wrapped me tight in his arms.

“My dad,” I managed.

“What? What happened?”

“His heart. He . . .” I choked. My legs went weak and he held me tighter, held me up. “He had a heart attack.” I fought the words out while tears streamed into my mouth, onto his chest. “He’s in intensive care, Tadhg. I need to be there. And I’m trapped! I’m trapped here! I can’t even call my mom. I. What if he . . .” He shushed me quietly and led me to the bed and I curled in on myself. He held me. I hurt. Everything hurt.

“All right.” He smoothed my hair back with long, soothing strokes. “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to look for a boat. There has got to be someone here who can get us to the mainland. There has to.”

“But that’s. The storm. It’s too dangerous. You don’t even have a car or a phone signal. It’s impossible.”