Page 122 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Miles’s smile dropped a fraction. Jackie probably told him I looked like Margot Robbie. Sorry, Miles.

“Oh. I see. Well, very nice to meet you . . . both. And who’s this, then?”

“Oh, this is Finn.”

“Hello, lovely Finn.” Miles leaned down and scratched her behind the ears. “Well, let’s head up then, shall we, before the rain comes.”

“Is there rain coming?” I asked.

“Isn’t there always?” Miles said.

A joke. Look at that, a joke. I laughed, trying to be encouraging, but I accidentally laughed too loud, and he recoiled slightly.

Tadhg tried to hang back, but Miles seemed intent on engaging him in conversation—perhaps he found me too awkward and was happy to have a buffer—so we made our way up in what was essentially a rotating circle of awkward conversations. Tadhg would hang back with Finn, Miles would loop back to join him, then I would loop back to join the other two so that I wasn’t just leading the way on the date like an overgrown Girl Scout, then Tadhg would hang back again, and the cycle would repeat itself, dizzying to all involved.

My date didn’t seem the least bit interested in being anything other than polite in passing during our rotations. But that was fine by me. Message received. I was glad that Tadhg was there, because as we climbed, I began to see more of the prehistoric fort, and then the sea, and realized that it was at the top of a cliff. Why is it that everywhere we go in this country, there’s a goddamn cliff? The wind picked up, and my sudden swoop of nerves had me instinctively sidling closer to Tadhg. Silly, maybe, but I just felt safer when he was close.

Dún Aengus was a remarkable wonder. Semicircles of stone radiated out from cliffs that towered over the sea. How on earth had they built this? How on earth had they lived here? How had they possibly stayed warm? I had so many questions.

Miles, seemingly relishing the opportunity to impress us with the historical details, walked right up to the edge. Like it was nothing at all. I took a step to follow, and then, I was too close. I grabbed Tadhg’s hand and clutched it as if one stout wind could blow us straight over. Then Miles turned around, and his smile dropped before he turned back to the sea and went on with whatever he was saying about mortar.

“She’s just—she’s afraid of heights, that’s all,” Tadhg explained, but he didn’t let go. This guy had come to meet me, and there I was, holding the hand of the Greek god who was crashing our date. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Miles, but frankly, at that moment I was too frightened to let go of Tadhg’s hand for anything in this world or the next.

“I see,” Miles said.

Things were noticeably quieter on the way down.

The café, which luckily was at the base of the hill, was called Nan Phaidi’s, which was pronounced like “naan fatties,” and it was the most adorable little thatched-roof cottage I think I’d ever seen in all my life. With window boxes and heavy hanging baskets bursting with color, there were more flowers than cottage.

We all four filed in through the double set of doors, and something whizzed past my head and flew to a high window ledge. It was a bird! Am I the only one seeing this? Are we going to get in trouble? How am I going to catch that little guy and let him out? The little bird made himself right at home and flew to pick up crumbs under people’s tables.

When I got up to the counter, I leaned in to whisper to the lady, “Um. I’m sorry, but somehow a little bird flew in with us. Is there . . . What should I do?”

She smiled. “Oh, that little robin is here every day, love. Comes for the warmth and the crumbs.” I smiled back. I could not have been more delighted. “Cheeky little thing, isn’t he? Clever too. He knows he’s got to make it through two swinging doors to get in or out. Also seems to know when we lock up for the evening and always times his departure perfectly. Sometimes he even brings friends with him.”

“Oh my goodness, I love him! Can I buy him some seeds or something?”

She grinned. “Order yourself the carrot cake. That’s his favorite.”

I did as told, and I also ordered a massive slice of the Guinness chocolate cake and a tea, and we found a table with four chairs, all a bit awkward with where to sit.

“Should I . . .” Tadhg motioned to another table, looking uncomfortably between us.

“No,” I said too quickly.

Miles looked confused. “So . . . are you two . . .” He hesitated. “Brother and sister?”

Tadhg and I looked at each other, shocked. A laugh burst out of me. Ew! If only he knew what sort of depraved things I’ve been dreaming of doing to this man.

“Umm. No . . .” Tadhg hedged.

“Then why . . .” Miles looked even more confused. Then he leaned in, cocked his eyebrow, and whispered, “Is this, like . . . a group thing?”

Silence. It took a full six seconds to register. Then Tadhg’s eyes were as big as saucers. “No, mate. No. Nothing like that. I’m just Maya’s driver.”

“I’m sorry, dear,” Miles said to me and then turned back to Tadhg, “but why is she here?”

We all looked at each other in turn, like a comedy routine.