Page 13 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Let’s see. Something a little more out there this time. “So, for all three again. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be?”

“Well, I . . . something something something . . . birthday suit.” What the hell? Everyone laughed. Damn. I should have done more research into Irish accents.

“Christ on a bicycle!” Annie laughed. “All right, Bachelor Number Two.”

“If I could choose one superpower, I would fly, so that I could pick you up in my strong arms and fly you to Jamaica, where we could go skinny-dipping and have sex on the beach . . . the cocktail, I mean, of course.”

“Whoa!” I laughed. All right, Grandpa. Keep your hair on!

“Bachelor Number Three.”

Another pause. When the answer finally came, it sounded like it had to be dragged out of him. “It would have to be time travel. So that I could go half an hour into the future to when this is all over.”

My mouth hung open. What? So rude! He actually sounded pretty salty, but somehow this just made people laugh harder. People

pointed at my shocked face.

“Well, now.” Annie wagged a finger. “If that’s how you talk to a lady, it’s no wonder you’re single! What do you think of that, then, Maya?”

Two can play that game. “Actually, Annie, I agree. Because talking to Bachelor Number Three makes me feel like I need to travel back to the time when this pint glass was full.”

“Oh ho! You hear that? Get the lady another drink. You may have just met your match, Bachelor Number Three.”

“I very much doubt that,” he said, and I scoffed again. Outrageous!

“What do you say, Maya? Does poor behavior put you off, or do you fancy a bit of a grump, like?”

“I mean, when the chip on his shoulder is that big, Annie, it kind of makes you wonder what he’s compensating for.” The crowd laughed and whistled, getting rowdier by the minute.

“The only thing I’m compensating for is your terrible questions.”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Good Lord, they’re bickering already!” Annie said, and everyone clapped. Jackie’s smile was like its own spotlight. “All right, settle down, now, settle down. We want to be able to hear question three, now, don’t we?”

I stretched my arms theatrically, laced my fingers, and cracked them like I was just getting started. “Okay, for Bachelors One and Two—if you were an animal, what animal would you be?”

“Just for One and Two?” Annie asked.

“That’s right. I have a different question for Bachelor Number Three.”

“Interesting. All right, then, Number One. Which animal would you be?”

“Well. Blah blah blah hound dog, because something something something combine harvester.” Everyone laughed.

“Did you hear that, Maya?” Annie laughed.

“I sure did!” I lied.

“Bachelor Number Two.”

“Well, I think if I died and came back as an animal, I would want to be one of your cats, Maya. Because those lucky bastards get to spend all day naked in your bed while you stroke them until they purr.”

Holy shit! Is he allowed to say that? That’s so dirty!

People roared. One man threw his hat on the stage. They were eating this up!

“I might send you back to the pound if you can’t behave,” I said.