Page 106 of Experiments in Offline Dating

Queen-size.

With a heart made out of red rose petals across the duvet.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Tadhg rubbed a big hand over his angry face, and then he was clawing at his jeans to get his phone out of his pocket. He smashed some buttons and then Jackie’s voice was on speaker, echoing around the woods.

“Hello, my heart,” he all but sang out of the phone.

“Da. Are you out of your fucking mind? What is this?”

“Oh, did you make it in safely? Thanks so much for letting me know. You know how I worry.”

“It’s a fucking tent, Da!”

“But in such a beautiful setting, isn’t it?”

“It’s the middle of the fecking woods!”

“Well, okay, I know. But on such short notice, everything was booked up. I spent all afternoon calling around, I can tell you. Ringing every single place. ’Twas exhausting.”

“I bet you did! There’s only one fucking bed in this tent! We can’t stay here, so you’ll just have to get back on the phone and exhaust yourself some more.”

“I’d really love to, Tadhg, but I’m out at the festival, of course. I’m just about to be interviewed for the news in Germany. And all the local girls are here for the story. They look like movie stars.” Noisy accordion music crackled over the speaker. “Say hello to Tadhg, girls.” In a chorus of sloppy drunken noise, we could make out “Huullo, Tadhg!” “Still single?” one said, and there were giggles.

In the little glittering light that glowed from the tent, I could just about make out Tadhg’s face changing colors.

“Da. You’re not listening! We’re not staying here. How could you do this to us?”

“It’s not a big deal. Happens all the time.”

Sure, all the time . . . in romance novels.

“You’re on speaker right now, so why don’t you go ahead and explain to Maya—who is on a work trip—that you booked us one bed to sleep in.”

“Oh, hello, Maya! How was the drive, my dear? I do love the North, especially—”

“Da! This isn’t a social call. Do you have any idea how fucking cold it is up here? In a fucking tent? And why is there champagne and fucking rose petals on the bed? Goddammit, Da!”

“Oh, rose petals? That’s such a nice touch—”

“Da!”

“Well, ye see, they had a special on, for a romantic night for couples. Twenty percent off! It was a steal. You know how I can’t resist a bargain—”

“You are going to fix this! We’re getting back in the goddamn Jeep, where we have been all fucking day because you changed plans last-minute and sent us out into the goddamn most northerly point in Ireland. If you’re meddling in my life again . . .” He started speaking Irish, and it sounded even angrier and got faster. And then in English. “Do you hear me, Da? Now!”

“What’s that? Can’t hear you, my love.”

Now, if Jackie had designed a phrase specifically to push Tadhg straight over the edge, it would have been that one.

“Right. Fucking. Now!”

“What’s that? I’m sorry, you’re breaking up. The music is too loud here. I’ll call tomorrow. Sleep well—”

And then Jackie hung up. Which, I was starting to learn, was one of his tricks.

Tadhg growled out a cry like a wounded wolf, cursed in Irish, and tried to strangle his phone. “I will murder that man! All right, get back in the Jeep. I’ll drive us back to town while you make some calls, and then we can start knocking on doors.”

I sighed and softened my voice. “Tadhg, you’re exhausted, you’ve been driving all day, town is over an hour away, and your dad said everything was booked up.”