Page 49 of Grace

I felt uneasy in the crowd, but inwardly, I was smiling because everyone gave Cyrus a wide berth. His badge was dangling from his neck, but I had a feeling that wasn’t the only reason.

Once we got our hot dogs, Cyrus pointed to a bench far away.

“Perfect.” I nodded and leaned in close to him as we headed there across the lawn.

Some people had set up tents beside the forest, in the shade of the trees. I watched the girls and boys my age—the girls in bikinis, the guys in swim trunks—curiously, but not too obviously. They were free, having fun, enjoying life.

The bench Cyrus had picked was far from anything that could have disturbed us. We sat facing each other. I instantly started wolfing down my hot dog while he stared off into the distance. The soft sound of the waves against the shore muted the bustle of the people.

I felt as if the silence were suffocating me, so I broke the silence. “I can’t believe this.”

“You can’t believe what?”

“How much of a ‘scaredy-cat’ you are.” I made quotation marks in the air.

“No, I’m not,” he said, smiling. “It’s just—” He halted. The sunrays glinting off the waves danced on his face.

“You don’t know what’s appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to a girl like me.” I smiled. “To be honest, I don’t know, either…” I licked the mayo off my finger.

“I just wanted to know what’s up with you. I don’t wanna make a move, Grace. I’ve been thinking a lot about you these past couple of months… I saw the place you had to go back to—and also, how unpredictable you can be.

His words tore into my soul like icy shards.

“I’m fine,” I deflected, my face burning with shame.

“Well, if you aren’t…” He handed me his card. “You can call me anytime.”

“Thanks.”

I had lied to him. I was lonely and afraid. I felt as if I were swimming against the current, suffocating, because no matter how much I tried to get closer to Nikky, to belong to a happy family… my siblings did not care about building a new family from the ruins.

July 2007

The heat was almost unbearable.

In the wooden farmhouse, the ceiling fan was circulating the warm air. The fields had dried out, and deep crevasses had appeared in the courtyard, crisscrossing the ground like spiderwebs in an empty pantry. There were grasshoppers in our living room, looking for food. The wind had piled up tangled, dry plant remains on the front porch. Without the cover of other buildings or trees, the summer storms were cruel. We couldn’t open the windows because the raging storms would have brought in all the sand. Scary sounds could be heard in the fenceless courtyard, and in the house. The wind gusts were throwing the window shutters around and shook and swept the dry remains of crops across the fields. The whole wooden house was creaking. But the scariest thing was the whisper of birds’ wings drifting through the air.

That night, terrifying, bright lightning bolts streaked the dark sky—and our souls. We rarely ate meals together, but when all three of us were at home at dinnertime, I tried to recreate the atmosphere we had had back when our parents were still alive. I made mac and cheese and iced tea. Every time, I hoped that we’d get closer to each other. I naively believed that if we joined forces, we could move away from that farmhouse.

Jamie was eating the warm food silently, while Nikky was picking at her plate with her fork as if she were looking for poison.

I couldn’t contain my resentment—usually, I shut up and didn’t start a fight with Nikky, but by that point, I was getting really tired of trying to get into her good graces without success.

“Why are you doing this, Nikky? Why do you hate me?”

“Because you’re a sanctimonious little hypocrite, Grace.” She tossed her fork on the table, while Jamie continued eating slowly with downcast eyes.

“What?” I replied, shocked.

“Yeah,” she continued, licking her red lips with her pink tongue, “you are playing the innocent girl, but you aren’t. Maybe that cop believes you, but I don’t.” She shook her head. “Mr. Miller came up to me once and told me how he’d seen you kissing Chase Baker on the schoolyard—and how you didn’t seem to have been forced into it.” She lit a cigarette. “He asked me to keep my eye on you because you didn’t want him to tell our parents about this. I agreed because if Chase had gotten caught, we’d all have been in trouble.”

“You got it wrong. Chase was…” I looked deep into her eyes. “Chase was protecting me.”

Nikky laughed, sneering.

“That kiss wasn’t what you think. You’ve also heard the rumors about Mr. Miller, and so did Mom.” My voice cracked. Nikky’s eyes flashed with hate. “I talked to her about this. She told me she’d also heard a thing or two, and that I should immediately tell her if anything happened. I’m not bullshitting you, Nikky. I swear to you this is what happened.”

“And when you walked up to his van alone? Why did you want to meet him?”