Page 171 of When In Doubt

“Because I stood you up for dinner?” he asks like it’s obvious.

“Oscar, I’m not mad about that, I’m just concerned.”

“You’re allowed to be mad.”

“I know I am.”

He sighs, scratching at his eyebrow with his thumb. “I know I was a mess last night.”

“It’s not just last night,” I say around a sigh. “You’ve been shutting me out for weeks.”

“I’ve had a lot going on.”

“I understand that, but it’s like you haven’t been here at all. I want to be there for you, but all you do is close down.”

He shuffles closer, cuffing my ankle in his grip. It’s gentle, but there’s something desperate about it, like he needs the contact. “I didn’t want to dump all of this on you. I’ve been so fucked up by everything.”

“Oscar.” I cover his hand with mine. “I love you. I want all of you, fucked up or not.”

He stares down at his lap, but I don’t miss the small smile that creeps up every time I tell him that I love him. “I love you too,” he murmurs.

“If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you want me to be open with you?”

“Of course, but…”

“But what?”

“I don’t want to scare you off.” I flinch. “It took me so long to convince you to give me a shot, I don’t want to ruin it now that I’ve finally got you.”

“Oscar,” I breathe, shaking my head. I can’t take the distance anymore. I crawl into his lap, taking the blanket with me and pulling it around the two of us until we’re in our own little cocoon. His hands fist in the fabric of my dress, but there’s no heat there, just the two of us wanting to be closer.

“I love you so much,” he chokes out, voice thick.

“I know you do.” I ghost my fingertips across his face, tracing the line of his brow, feeling the tension around his lips, the way his jaw’s clenched.

I reach down and untangle his fingers from my dress, lacing them through mine and bringing them between us. “You don’t have to hold on so tight,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to our joined hands. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He lets out a choked sound, like a sob he’s not letting free, and drops his forehead to mine. “Please don’t go.” His eyes squeeze shut. “I need you so much.”

My breath hitches. I’ve been so afraid of needing him, wanting to prove that I could stand on my own. But, maybe it’s okay. I thought if I let myself need anybody, then I’d just be giving them the power to hurt me, but if he needs me just as much, then perhaps I’m not giving up anything. Maybe we can need each other.

“I’m here.” I don’t realize that I’m crying until I hear it in my voice. “I’ll always be here, you just have to let me in.”

“I want to. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not going to break, you’re not going to scare me.”

“Freya, if there’s any part of you that’s still not sure, you have to tell me. It’s okay if you’re not there yet, but I-I just need to know.”

I look up at him, studying his gaze. Is that it? Did he feel like he couldn’t come to me because he thinks I’m not all in? I can almost hear my heart breaking. He doesn’t trust me. Or he thinks I don’t trust him, I don’t know which.

I go to climb off him, but his arms shoot out, wrapping around my waist. I fall forward and have to catch myself on his chest. This close, I can make out every fleck in his eyes and the panic that lines them. I press a kiss to his forehead. “I’m just getting something.”

“You’re coming back?”

“Of course I am.”

He reluctantly lets me go, and I quickly dart to my room, rummaging through my closet until I find what I need. Oscar frowns as I shuffle back in, hiding my hands behind my back.