Page 155 of When In Doubt

“It’s fine.” I give an unconvincing shrug. “I just wish he’d let me help him. I think he doesn’t want to burden me with it, or some shit. I keep asking him to talk to me but we’re not really getting anywhere.”

“But he’s not icing you out.”

“Not like that.”

I know why she’s asking. She beat herself up for months after I finally came clean about what Aaron had been doing to me, upset that she hadn’t seen what was happening. No matter how many times I told her that she couldn’t have known, especially when I was deliberately trying to hide it, nothing made her feel better. She’s obviously on a mission to make sure it never happens again. But the situations are nothing alike. Aaron shut down on me as a punishment, to try to make me work harder to win back his favor. Oscar, in his own misguided way, thinks he’s protecting me.

“We stay at the same place most nights, he tells me he loves me, he’s so kind and sweet, but it’s like this wall’s gone up and I can’t get over it. I ask him about his day and he completely changes the subject.”

“Maybe he just wants to leave all that at work?” she suggests.

I wish that was it, but I can tell there’s more to it. Every time it happens, I can’t shake the feeling that something’s very wrong.

“I get that, but it’s obviously weighing on him so much. I don’t think it’s good for him to just shut it all out.”

“Do you think he’s talking to anyone about it?” she says.

I sigh. “I don’t know, maybe? I hope so.”

“I think you just have to keep showing up. As long as he knows you’re there for him, he’ll open up when he’s ready.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“And if not, I can always put him in a headlock when I see him.”

I burst into a sudden laugh. “That, I would pay to see.” Five-foot-nothing Luci trying to take down Oscar. He’d probably let her just to be nice, but she’d need a stepladder to even try.

“I could do it.”

“Sure you could.”

“I could!” She protests, “I’m scrappy.”

How have I gone seven months without her?

Chapter Fifty-One

OSCAR

How the hell have I managed to make this much of a mess in two weeks? I stare around at the stacks of paper littered across Mack’s once pristine desk. I dig through one pile that looks dangerously close to falling, trying to find the investigation report I need. I never knew how much fucking paperwork was involved in being captain. Mack always made it look so easy.

I don’t understand how he thought I’d ever be up to this.

I roll my shoulders, trying to ease up some of the tension. Christ, I need to sleep. I’ve been getting back so late, I hardly have time to say goodnight to Freya before I crash. Maybe I need to start sleeping at my place, I don’t want her to have to keep waiting up for me. She says she doesn’t mind, that she’d be awake anyway, but I know her. If she had her way, she’d be out by nine-thirty every night.

I know I’ve not been much fun to be around. Freya keeps asking me what’s wrong, but what can I tell her? I’ve barely convinced her to give me a place in her life, what is she gonna do if I just dump all my shit on her doorstep? That’d be too much for anyone to handle, but this thing with Freya still feels fragile. I don’t want to scare her off.

My phone chimes with a message.

FREYA

Just leaving the airport now, home in a couple hours.

Okay, I need to get my shit together before I get back. I don’t want to be a tired asshole when I meet Freya’s friend for the first time. I’m happy that she’s got someone here, it’ll be good for her to have a friend around. Though, I’m not sure how I’m gonna have the energy to make a good impression tonight.

I’m about to reply when the radio starts sounding with an emergency alert. I grab my pager, waiting for the details to come through as I jog down the stairs to the apparatus bay.

I tap out a quick response.