Page 150 of When In Doubt

I have to force myself not to flinch. “Ask what?” I just about manage to keep my voice even.

“Is it my fault?” he spits out in a rush.

I frown at him for a second, trying to figure him out.

“Ryan, why would you think that?” My heart breaks for him a little. He looks so small in that chair, so scared.

“I was in that room before you guys. I should have seen that the roof wasn’t sound. If I’d noticed, then maybe⁠—”

Ah, shit. “Stop,” I cut him off. “You’ll make yourself crazy if you think like that. You and I both know how fast things can change in that kind of situation. The beam was probably solid when you were there.”

“But, I⁠—”

“Ryan, you can’t go there.” I lean in, hoping he’ll hear me. God knows I know exactly how he feels. I’ve been over and over that callout a thousand times, wondering what I could have changed, how I could have done things differently so that Mack made it out. I don’t want Ryan to have to go through the same thing. “We all sign up for this job knowing the risks. Mack wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.”

“I feel like I let him down,” Ryan whispers, head hanging.

“You could never let him down. He saw exactly who you are.”

He looks up, eyes shining. “Who’s that?”

I almost laugh. It’s like Mack knew this conversation would happen. Maybe that’s why he left the paperwork, his final letter of recommendation written. I hold it out for Ryan. It takes him a second to reach for it, and longer to realize what he’s got in his hand.

“From Mack?”

“He knew you were ready.”

“Fuck,” he chokes out, voice thick. I watch as he reads down the page, taking in what Mack wrote about him. He probably gets through about half of it before scrubbing a hand across his eyes and rushing to stand. “I’m um… I’m gonna take this—” He gestures toward the door.

“See you later, man.”

“Thanks, Murph.”

He shuts the door behind him and I blow out a long breath, fighting back my own tears. Fuck, I need to get out of here, this was a bad idea. I stand, ready to bolt, when my phone starts buzzing in my pocket. I sigh, fully expecting it to be my mother, but the number that flashes up is the area chief’s.

Of course he’d call now.

Maybe I can just send him to voicemail? No matter how much I tried to prepare for this call, I still haven’t figured a way out.

Oh, fuck it. I answer the call and press the device to my ear with a grimace. “This is Oscar.”

“Oscar, this is Chief Galloway.”

“Yes, sir, how are you doing today?”

“Yes, yes.” He sounds distracted. I’ve only met Galloway a handful of times. He seemed nice enough, competent. He just has no idea what actually goes on out here. I imagine it’s the same for most of the small towns under his jurisdiction; as long as nothing’s going wrong, he’s happy to let things tick over. “Listen, I meant to get in touch with you a few days ago, but I’m sure you can imagine how hectic things have been over here.”

I roll my eyes. Yeah, I bet this whole situation has been really tough on him.

“Now, I know this was kind of a given, but I wanted to formally offer you the role of acting captain.”

I stare down at my feet. No matter what Mack said, I know myself. I’m not ready to be a captain. I can’t take care of this place, not without him.

Even with Ryan just now, all I did was hand over Mack’s words. I didn’t have to do any of that myself.

But if I don’t do it, who will? Nobody else here has the training. They’d have to bring someone in from another town, and fuck knows what kind of changes they’d bring with them. I can’t let someone else come in and trample all over Mack’s legacy.

I remember when this was all I wanted, I was trying to make it here so fast that I forgot everything else. I stopped seeing my parents as much, I wasted what turned out to be the last few months with my dad, and for what?