Page 137 of When In Doubt

“We’ll get through it together.”

I drop my forehead to his chest. He holds me there, hands cradling my head as I give voice to my greatest fear. “I just wanted to be loved, so I stayed. But it was never love, was it? And now I feel like he ruined me.”

“Freya.” He pulls away, just enough for him to look at me, one hand coming to my chin and tilting my face up. “Nobody could ever ruin you, it isn’t possible.”

I hiccup, my breathing becoming erratic at the thought.

“You might not be the same person you were, but nobody stays the same forever. You’re fucking perfect, honey.”

Denial is on the tip of my tongue, but he doesn’t let me get it out.

“Look at everything you’ve done, the life you’ve made. He might have hurt you, but don’t think for one second that he’s taken away a fraction of your shine.” He holds me in place, not letting me look away. “And you have to know that I love you. I don’t want to rush you, but you can’t think that you’re not loved. I’m so in love with you, it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.”

“What?” I feel like my world’s tilting off-axis. He loves me?

“You don’t need to say it back, I promise that’s alright. I know you’re not there yet, but I needed you to know. I like everything about you, there’s nothing that’s bad, or wrong, or could make me want you less.”

I feel dizzy, like I’d hit the floor without Oscar holding me up. I want to say it back, but I can’t do it. I’m just not ready yet.

He pulls me close again, stroking my hair. I sag against him, relieved that I don’t have to try to find the words.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You don’t need to say anything, there’s no pressure.” I close my eyes, letting myself believe him. “We can go as slow as you need to.”

“You really don’t mind?”

“Not one bit.” I feel the low hum of his words against my throat.

“Does this mean we’re a couple?” I can’t handle any more uncertainty.

He sighs. “I won’t pretend that I don’t want that, but we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I don’t care what we’re calling it, just as long as we’re doing it.”

I steel myself, pulling together every scrap of courage I have in me. “I think, maybe, that’d I’d like to be.”

He pulls back, face more alight than I’ve ever seen it. It’s infectious, and I can’t stop my own grin from spreading. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Holy shit.” He holds me in a tight embrace, clinging on. We stand there for a long time, until the press of my work bag into my shoulder starts getting uncomfortable and I shift away. He releases me from his hold, but doesn’t quite let me go, taking my hands instead. “Do you have to go?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

“Good.” He drops my hands and takes hold of my bag, lifting the strap from my shoulder and dropping it on a hook by the door. My jacket comes next, and he works with confidence to undo each button before he slides it off me.

I go to unbuckle my shoes but he beats me to it, dropping to his knees in front of me. My breath hitches and I feel my whole body flush.

When he rises, he takes hold of my face again. I grab hold of his arms just for something to hang onto.

“Can you tell me again?” I ask. I know it’s selfish, to ask him to repeat it when I’m not ready to say it back, but there’s a part of me that can hardly believe it. Maybe with one more go, I’ll be able to convince myself that it’s true.

He runs a thumb under my bottom lip, tracing the curve like he’s committing it to memory. “I love you.” His lips meet mine in the softest kiss, like the touch of a butterfly’s wing. “I love you,” he whispers against my mouth. “I love you.” Again, against my temple. “I love you.” My nose. “I love you.” One against each eyelid. He seems in no hurry, content to repeat the words like a prayer against my skin, letting each one sink in.

I feel it again, that sensation at the edges of the void, like it’s filling in at the edges. A fissure inside me is sealing up, and I’m closer to feeling complete.

Somebody loves me.

He loves me.

Oscar loves me.