Page 133 of When In Doubt

I roll my head to the side, looking up at her out of one eye. In fits and starts, I manage to tell the whole story. All of last night, what happened with Justin, how I panicked at being called Oscar’s girlfriend.

Becca frowns, crossing one leg over the other. “I’m confused, so you and Oscar aren’t a couple?”

“Honestly…? I have no idea.”

“Do you want to be?”

I shrug. Isn’t that the question?

“I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“Why wouldn’t it be? You two seem to make each other really happy.”

I sit back, not looking at her. The sting of tears registers at the back of my eyes and I know that if I look at her, I’m going to start crying.

“Freya,” she says gently, “if this is hurting you, then maybe it’d be good to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be with me but I think you should tell someone how you’re feeling.”

“I’m scared,” I choke out.

“Of what?”

“What if I’m wrong about him?”

“Oh, baby.” She sighs, scooting forward and taking one of my hands. “You can never be a hundred percent certain, but I’ve known Oscar for years. He’s one of the best people I’ve ever met, you’re not wrong about that.”

I nod, my chest feeling like it’s going to crack in two. “He left me a lunch today.”

“I know.” She chuckles softly. “I watched him do it, looking like a sad puppy.”

“I don’t want him to be sad. This is all just hard for me.”

“It’s scary to open yourself up to someone, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice.”

“I know, I just… I’ve made the wrong choice before and it kind of messed me up.”

“With an ex?” Her hold on my hand tightens a fraction.

I nod.

“Shit,” she breathes out.

“He really got in my head.”

“Fuck.” She gives my hands another squeeze, prompting me to look up. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

I shrug. I really don’t want to talk about Aaron. “It was a while ago.”

“That doesn’t matter,” she says gently.

“I feel so stupid.” My voice cracks and I have to bite into my bottom lip to stop a sob escaping. “I don’t want that to keep ruining things for me now, but I just can’t shake it.”

“You can’t beat yourself up. Things like this are never that simple. It’s not a case of ‘oh, it’s been however many years, I’m a hundred percent over it now.’” She’s telling me exactly what I’d say to someone else, but for some reason when it’s about me, I can’t seem to take the advice. “You have to give yourself grace. Healing’s not a straight line. You can have a million wobbles and freak-outs, and it still won’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.”

“I don’t want to drag Oscar into all of my mess.”

“Freya.” I can hear her smile without having to look at her. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Messy or not, you could drag that man into anything you wanted and all he’d say is thank you.”

“I don’t know if that’s fair.”