Page 25 of Expanding Command

"Yeah. To feed the ducks." He was on his feet immediately, extending his hand to Darren. "Come for a walk? Our boys can hold down the fort so we don't have to schlep everything with us?"

"Great idea." Darren leaned down to steal a kiss from Miles, then kissed Tristan's hair before standing. "See you soon."

"That felt a bit like a setup," Tristan felt the need to point out as they left, and Miles chuckled.

"Maybe a bit. I don't mind." Miles turned his face to press a kiss to his forehead, stroking his fingers up into his hair and letting out a long breath. "I keep thinking about... You know. The summer I went to college, and how we lost touch. Darren thinks this is a chance to do things right, finally."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Tristan pointed out, despite his heart twisting in his chest.

"I pulled away," Miles said softly. "You were vulnerable with me, and I... didn't appreciate that the way I should have."

"You couldn't have," Tristan said softly, closing his eyes. He wrapped an arm over Miles's chest.

"I could have been better. I should have been. Honestly, Tristan, when you kissed me... the way it made me feel scared the shit out of me. I don't experience that very often. Even now. You, Darren... my ex-wife, when we first got married. Before... well. Things between us, um, went down a bad path. It's a big part of why I don't drink anymore."

"I'm sorry," Tristan said softly, but the slow caress of Miles's fingers didn't stop.

"Thank you. It's taken me a while to put myself together again. If it wasn't for loving Darren and for everything he's done to help me, I'm not sure I could have. But I still can't promise I'm the same now as the Miles you knew then. I... there was a lot of shit that went down. I want to tell you about it before you commit to... anything, really."

Tristan bit his lip to keep from immediately trying to reassure him. "I appreciate that. Will you tell me?"

Miles sighed again, silent for a long moment. Then, haltingly, he began to talk.

He'd followed his father into law enforcement and reached detective with the NYPD, until he'd made a bad judgment call in a crisis and shot and killed an undercover cop. The guilt of it had pushed him over the edge with the alcohol he'd already been using as a crutch and the marriage that had already been turbulent.

"I didn't understand how to talk about my struggles. I didn't even understand a lot of my feelings then. When we got married, I thought I was doing the right thing. Wife, kids. And I did love her, but there were things I didn't understand about myself that made it hard for me to communicate, which got even worse with stress, and... it left her convinced I didn't care about her... needs. In bed and otherwise. And the more she pushed, the more stressed out I was, and.... Things turned... bad between us. Really bad. Even before the incident."

As Miles continued to tell him quietly about their struggles, the lump in Tristan's stomach turning to ice. The picture he quietly painted was familiar in an intimately terrible way. The more he spoke, the more the memories returned. The warning signals Tristan should have seen with his old boyfriend, before Leander. The red flags he did see, and stupidly ignored. The things he lied to himself about being able to handle.

"Miles..." he said gently, "You know those are abuse tactics, don't you?"

Miles's long sigh made his answer obvious. "Please don't think she's a terrible person. She's the mother of my children. I don't think she was consciously choosing to manipulate me, just... reacting in the only way she knew how."

"That doesn't excuse it."

"I know. But it wasn't like I..." Miles stopped, fingers tightening on Tristan's back. "I hated what I became with her. I resented that it only felt as if she loved me when we were apart, and I felt so stupid for believing her every time when she promised things would change. Because, of course, when I came back, everything was always my fault again. I hated how small she made me feel, and so isolated. I couldn't even talk to Ashley. I was... stuck with her. Alone. She even made me feel like shit for wanting to separate, until... the shooting. When I..." His arm tightened around Tristan, almost too tight, as he let out a choked exhale.

Throat aching, Tristan held him tightly. "I know. You don't have to keep going."

"No, you don't know. When I drank - " Miles's voice broke. "I never hurt her, but I'd started to lash out. It felt like the only path left. I was so frustrated and out of control. The night she kicked me out, I exploded in front of the kids. I punched a hole in the wall, I - "

"No. I do know." A sharp, helpless laugh escaped Tristan's throat. "His name was Justin. He used to push me and push me until I lost it and screamed at him. We fought so badly that we almost got evicted from our apartment building. And I knew better! I knew about the cycle of abuse. I knew when he was nice, he was just lovebombing me to reel me back in. He made me so goddamn frustrated, I - I even threw a fucking skillet at him once. Then he paddled me until I couldn't sit down the next day - "

"He hurt you?" Miles surged up underneath him, turning so he could meet his gaze. "Tristan - "

"He was my dom," Tristan replied helplessly. "He didn't violate my limits. I wanted - I think part of me wanted him to hurt me like that so I had an outlet for how frustrated I was, and I - "

"Of course he violated your limits," Miles growled, eyes blazing. "If he paddled you angry, he broke every rule. There's no excuse, none! I'd never - " He reached up to touch Tristan's face and stopped. His trembling fingers brushed his cheek, expression fraught. "I don't ever want to hurt you."

Tristan nodded, managing to draw breath around the lump in his throat and wiping away the tears that threatened to spill over. "I know. I can see that, Miles. I'm so sorry that you... I don't ever want to hurt you like that either. And I'm so glad you have Darren. I can tell how good he is to you. I'm sorry I got upset, I... I really thought I was over it. Leander's so wonderful to me. I'm so happy with him, I'm so lucky to have him. I just..."

"Shh..." Miles gathered him against his chest again, pressing a trembling kiss to his hair. "I know. It's okay. I know. I'm so sorry I reminded you of it."

Tristan buried his face in Miles's chest, nuzzling the soft knit of Leander's borrowed t-shirt. The hints of his husband's scent mingled with Miles's, strange in its familiarity, but comforting. "It's alright. I'm glad I know you understand. Thank you for trusting me with all of that."

Still, as Miles held him close, he couldn't help but worry. If this was what both their pasts held, would it be too much for Miles if Tristan asked him for what he truly needed? When he'd been with Justin, he'd become so used to avoiding conflict, to fawning and letting Justin's needs always take priority over his own. It had taken so much work to learn to ask for what he needed from Leander.

What if he fell back into old habits and insecurities? Could he really hope to be Miles's sub if he couldn't even be certain of that?