Page 91 of Coming Clean
Connor pulled up hiscontacts and tapped on Mario’s name. He paced as the phone rang,once, twice, three times. This was usually the best time to reachhim, but maybe he wasn’t available tonight.
Connor had almost given upwhen Mario answered. “What’s up, Connor?”
Connor barely stoppedhimself from saying “nothing much”. Something was definitely up. “Ineed to tell you something if you’ve got time.”
“Yeah, we’re heading out inthe morning. I’ll be out of communication for a few days so I’mglad you caught me. What’s going on?”
He tried not to imaginewhat Mario was heading out to do. Most likely something dangerous,something he might not come back from. What if this was their lastconversation?
Jeremy is in love withyou. David’s words echoed in Connor’shead. He had to do this. It was his last chance before Jeremy gaveup on him for good. Sabrina was right too. Connor needed to do thisfor himself. He needed to heal before he could helpMario.
“I’m gay.” Connor couldn’tbelieve he’d actually said the words. His statement was met withsilence but he didn’t feel sick or even all that scared. He feltrelieved.
“You’re what?” Mariofinally asked, his voice far louder than it needed tobe.
“I’m gay. I like men. I’mdating a man right now, or I was until I was an idiot and letthings fall apart. I fucked men when I was in the Marines, I even…Okay, you don’t need to know any more details.” Once the wordsstarted coming, Connor could barely get them to stop. No matterwhat Mario did now, Connor knew he’d done the right thing. He feltlighter. His secret had been a burden and he was better off forletting that burden go.
“You’re not serious?”Connor could hear the disbelief in his friend’s voice.
“I am. Very.” He sat on theedge of his bed, no longer so agitated that he had topace.
“How the hell could you dothis?” Mario asked.
Connor had expected angerbut Mario sounded more hurt than anything. “I didn’tdo anything. Iwas just—” Dare he say it? “—born this way.”
“Fuck that. You never actedlike a faggot.”
“Did Fargo andCousta?”
Mario huffed. “I guess notuntil they got caught sucking each other’s dicks.”
“Gay men aren’t all alikeany more than straight men are.” Now he sounded like a publicservice announcement.
“Fuck, Connor. We werefriends and you… You lied to me.”
“No, I chose not to tellyou,” Connor responded. He had never directly lied. Did it amountto the same thing, though?
“We went out with girls,”Mario insisted.
“No you went out withgirls. I just went along for the beer.”
“I guess you never did takeanyone home. How could I not have known?”
“Because I did everything Icould to hide it.”
“How could you do this tome?” There was the anger Connor had expected.
“I’m the same man youserved with.”
Mario snorted. “No, you’renot. You’re somebody I don’t know at all.”
At least he didn’t callme a fucking fag. “Mario?”
“Don’t say anything else. Ineed some time to think.”
Mario hung up before Connorhad a chance to protest. Connor hadn’t expected Mario to listen toanything he could say to explain or justify. Truthfully, he’dexpected a worse reaction—Mario cursing him, saying he’d beenbrainwashed, or flat out denial of what Connor felt. Hell, hewouldn’t have been too shocked if Mario wanted to send him to someanti-gay boot camp. What he hadn’t been prepared for was the painin Mario’s voice or that Mario would feel betrayed.
Now Mario was headed out ona mission. Who knew when or if he’d be back? Connor consideredcalling back but Mario wouldn’t answer, he was certain of that. AllConnor could do was hope the mission would go smoothly and Mariowould call Connor when it was over. The thought of his friend neverforgiving him for hiding who he was hurt, but Connor had never beenmore certain that he’d done the right thing. Now he had one finalthing to set right.
