Page 40 of Coming Clean

“Fuck.” The look ofsympathy in Sabrina’s eyes made him want to breaksomething.

“Why am I such a fuckingasshole?”

“Because you’rescared.”

Connor didn’t say anythingbecause she was right.

Sabrina laid a hand on hisarm. “I suppose—for some mysterious masculine reason I don’tunderstand—explaining any of this to him is out of thequestion?”

Connor nodded. No way inhell could he say these things to Jeremy.

“So you can let him suckyour dick but you can’t talk to him. What are you going to do, drophim as a client? Send me and Irene? Don’t you think talking to himwould be better?”

Connor ran a hand over hishair, scrubbing it back and forth. “I don’t know.”

“Do youwant to see himagain?”

“Yes.”Whoa, that was a quick answer.“But I’m not sure he’ll want to seeme.”

“All you can do is try.”Sabrina’s soft smile gave Connor courage.

“I hurt him. Why would hewant anything to do with me now?”

“He seems like a good guy.I think there’s a chance he’ll forgive you, but you need to knowexactly what you want and if you’re willing to work forit.”

“I know what I want.”Connor wanted Jeremy, all of him, naked, on his back, ready to befucked.

That’s not all youwant.

No, it wasn’t. He wantedconversation and flirting and dinner and going to plays and…Fucking hell, he wanted a relationship. But he couldn’t have one ifhe kept hiding. Most likely he’d screwed things up so thoroughly,he couldn’t have one at all.

“Are you willing to work ashard for it as you worked to make your companysuccessful?”

Getting the company going,figuring out the business end, the marketing, finding clients, andhiring employees had been exhausting, but every day that he’dreceived praise or gained a new client based on a referral, he’dknown all the hard work was worth it. Hard work was all heunderstood anyway. The first months back in the US, when he didn’thave a job and tried to find a direction had been some of the mostdepressing of his life. But working on a business was something heunderstood. A relationship? How the hell did someone work onthat?

“I’m not sure I knowhow.”

“Then tell Jeremythat.”

Connor stared at her. Wasshe serious? No way in hell could he do that.

Sabrina seemed to know whathe was thinking. “I know talking won’t be easy for you, but Jeremyneeds to know what he’s getting into. You can’t lead himon.”

“I’m not… I wouldn’t…” Butwasn’t that sort of what he had been doing? Flirting with Jeremy,touching him, and then freaking out when things went further? If hecould just figure out how to get rid of the voices in his head thattold him he couldn’t be gay. One of the loudest was Sabrina’sbrother’s.

“Have you thought any moreabout talking to a therapist?” Sabrina asked.

Connor blew out a harshbreath. “I told you I’d had enough of that bullshit after my lastmission. No one could help me then, why bother now?”

“Maybe the therapists youtalked to weren’t good matches for you,” Sabrina said.

“Counseling isn’t going tohelp me to talk about this.” Telling Sabrina was hard enough.Talking to a stranger would be fucking impossible.

“I think you might besurprised if you tried it.”

Connor couldn’t think aboutthat right now. He had enough shit swirling in his head. “Why isthis so fucking hard for me?”

“If you mean coming out,it’s hard for plenty of people.”