Page 113 of Use Me Up

I kind of throw myself into it, and it’s all I do for maybe four days.

I talk to Hannah on the phone a few times.

We have a conversation about her taking the Plan B pill. She says, “I maybe want to have babies, though.”

“Just not mine?” I say. “Maybe they’d inherit my crazy. You should totally have Gatlin’s babies.”

“I don’t want it forced,” she says. “That’s all. I want it planned. And obviously, if we’re doing this, all of us, I would have your babies, Ellis.”

I believe her.

“I do love you, Ellis,” she says softly. “I think I have for a long time. But you don’t deserve it.”

I groan. As far as declarations of love go, it’s pretty hard to hear. “I’m sorry, Hannah.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” she mutters. “I only want…”

“Me to stop having sex with women who aren’t you?” I say.

“Well, that would be a good start, I guess,” she says.

“Yeah, well, I want that, too,” I say. “And you should not have my babies if I can’t fucking manage that for you, for serious. You really should break up with me.”

“Well, I know that,” she says. “But I’m not going to.”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You don’t,” she says back, “but then, I don’t deserve you either.”

“Yes, you fucking do,” I say. “I’m going to do better for you.”

“I keep thinking about what you said about how I need to feel secure in myself or I won’t believe people when they compliment me,” she says.

“You know, I said that to you, but maybe I’m still working on it myself,” I mutter.

“It’s only that the alphas…”

“Yeah,” I say, grinning. “Yeah, they’re, um, easy that way, huh?”

“They made me feel cherished, too,” she whispers.

“They’re good for us,” I say.

“I think so, too,” she says.

I have a few other conversations with Hannah over the next few days, during which I sound like the DBT Handbook, probably.

It’s all about more stuff I’ve found out about this kind of therapy, how I really feel like it makes sense. I’m super excited, and I feel… I don’t know… fixed.

On the fifth day, of course, I break.

It’s not about Callie.

It’s honestly just stupid.

I plug my phone into an outlet that I’ve never plugged it into upstairs in my bedroom, and all of the electricity on one of the circuits cuts out.

Except I don’t realize that at first.