Page 14 of Speed

This new revelation gave me the mental distance I needed to write the article about Axel, and finally it seemed to just flow from my fingers. I did a bit of additional research, reviewed my notes, and met my word count in no time. I felt lighter still.

Maybe dating would be different now. In a way, I'd been as emotionally stunted as Axel when it came to relationships. I hadn't gotten close to anyone either, though it wasn't because of a conscious choice on my part. Maybe I'd be able to find that spark with someone, now that I wouldn't be measuring men against an ideal that didn't exist.

Two weeks passed. Dean reviewed my article and seemed to be pleased with it. I was feeling hopeful about life in general, and then I heard from him. Axel left a message on my work voicemail. I was going through messages in the morning, and suddenly his voice was in my ear.

"Kayla, it's Axel. I know you probably don't want to hear from me⁠—"

And without stopping to think, I pressed the button to delete it. Seeing him and saying goodbye to him had felt like a big breakthrough, and I didn't want to go backwards. I was feeling good, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough to be in contact with him. Total abstinence felt like the safest plan.

Two days later, there was an email from him. My eyes skimmed across it and I caught a few phrases without intending to. I saw "You were right, thinking of you, we could be—" before I deleted it too.

The next day, Marlee came to tell me that Axel had been in touch with her. He told her he wanted to make sure I was alright. It was starting to piss me off that he refused to do as I'd asked him to, and just leave me alone.

"Why is he doing this?" I said in frustration. "It's like he finally found one woman he can't have, and he won't let it go. Maybe it's the thrill of the chase for him or something."

Marlee's face was serious. "I think he really cares for you. That's the impression I get."

Marlee usually had a good read on people, and I considered her opinion. Maybe Axel was concerned about me, as a stepbrother would be. I had been pretty emotional every time we were together—okay, that was an understatement—so maybe he was just checking on me.

"If he calls you again, please just tell him I'm fine," I said.

She gave me a long, searching look before she turned to go.

The magazine issue with my article about Axel was well-timed to release right at the start of the racing season. I'd seen the layouts already, but when I got the printed copies, I immediately flipped through to find my story. It was always a thrill to see my work in print. I found my name, and then was distracted by a full page picture of Axel, standing in front of the framework of his new house. Memories of our kiss in that same location raced into mind and my face flushed with a sudden rush of heat. I quickly turned the page, and found more images of Axel, including a close-up that had me momentarily transfixed. I ran my finger over his adorably crooked nose. And then I quickly closed the magazine.

Before I could change my mind, I put two copies into a large envelope along with a quick note: "Thanks for the interview." I addressed the package to Axel's manager and gave it to the admin for mailing. I took two copies home with me, where they sat on my coffee table and attracted my attention as effectively as if they were yelling at me. Axel's picture wasn't on the cover, thankfully, but his name was, and each time I saw the magazines sitting there, I thought about his upcoming race. I always watched his races. I'd thought I'd probably quit that now, but it was a longtime habit. I liked racing. I didn't watch just for him. Okay, of course he was the reason I first watched, but by now I knew a lot about the other drivers, the rankings, and so on, and I was truly a fan. I told myself that enough time had passed. I felt fairly sure that I could watch without having an emotional relapse.

Sunday morning came and I ended up indulging in what had been last season's pre-race habit. Habits are so very hard to break. This time it started when I decided to look at the online version of my article about Axel. From there, I did a search for other recent news items about him. I could say that this was part of enjoying race day and being a well-informed fan, but I knew what I was truly looking for. I waited for the paparazzi pictures to appear. Axel with a tanned blond on his arm; Axel escorting a model to an event, Axel going to dinner with yet another beautiful woman. But nothing new came up. All of the image results were things I'd seen before, and all of the news stories were related to racing. There was none of the gossipy "who's he dating now?" stuff that always came up.

Had the player stopped playing?

I tried another search engine, sure I'd find something. I'd been following news on Axel ever since he started racing professionally, and there were always pictures of him with his dates. But today? Nothing.

Was it possible that my comments to Axel had changed him?

I'd had the television on mute while I browsed online, and when I saw that the race coverage was starting, I put my laptop down and turned up the TV's volume.

Because it was the first race of the season, there were several interviews and commentator reports prior to the race. When they got to Axel's team, I realized I'd been holding my breath. In a pre-taped segment, the reporter talked with him in the garage sometime after qualifications. Axel was wearing his uniform, and he looked so damn sexy. I experienced a sharp twinge of regret. I'd kissed that gorgeous man. I'd felt his arousal pressing against me, and I could've had more. Suddenly I wished I had gone ahead and had a fling with him, heart be damned. Because I knew deep down it probably would've been worth it.

I sank back in my chair and exhaled, then sat forward again to focus on the interview. There was all the usual stuff about how practice had been going, how fast the track was, and how well Axel expected to do today. Then the interviewer changed tone, and told Axel that there was "talk about you getting more serious and being more focused than ever on racing." It seemed an innocent comment, but it also seemed weighted in something more, and I wondered if it referred to the sudden lack of gossip news. Axel definitely had a reputation in that area, and his big female fan base was frequently referred to, if only in a roundabout way.

Axel himself seemed to become more serious and thoughtful when answering. He said that a couple of people who were very close to him had caused him to reexamine his priorities, and that he "had some things to still work out" but that he was "moving in a forward direction."

I rewound the broadcast several times to take in his response. Was I crazy to think he was referring to me and our conversation? Had I possibly affected him that much? I'd dismissed his phone and email messages as him being overly persistent or playing games, but he wouldn't be on TV talking about life changes if it was all a game to him, would he? Or, maybe I was reading too much into it. Maybe I was hoping for something that wasn't there.

At a commercial, I caught the recording up to the live broadcast, and saw that the race was about to start. The drivers were lined up, and I found Axel's green #27 in the third row. I silently wished him luck and a safe race, and then turned up the volume for my favorite part.

A signal was given, and the engines roared to life. It wasn't quite as exciting in my living room as it was to experience in person, but it still gave me chills, and this time, with Axel's touch so fresh in my mind, the power of the engines aroused other parts of my body as well. Racing was such a sexy sport: the sleek curves of the cars, the drivers in their uniforms, the raw determination, the speed.

The cars started into their pace laps, then the green flag was waved and they were flying around the track, vying for position. It was an exciting race, and a couple of hours later it was over, with Axel edging out another driver in a close finish to take third place. Though I'm sure he was disappointed not to come in first, he looked pleased with his finish and I knew it would set him up well for the rest of the season. I was so happy to see Axel in the winner's circle, and I wished I was there with him to throw my arms around him in celebration. I was both surprised and frustrated by this impulse.

The next morning, still a swirling ball of emotion after watching the race and seeing Axel's intriguing pre-race comments, I received a handwritten letter in the morning mail at work. My stomach fluttered as I got a few lines in.

Dear Kayla,

Please read this. I don't know if you've gotten my other messages or if you're still upset, but I have two things I need to tell you, and then I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want.

First, I want you to know that you've changed me. The words that you said, and even more, the way you looked at me in the bar that night, set me on a path of soul searching. I realize that I've been afraid, and I've been limiting myself. Since you opened my eyes, I've been working on making changes in my outlook on life. Thank you for that.