Page 86 of Sunset Catchers

“What is?” he asks softly.

I can’t look at him when I give him my most honest answer, so I focus my attention on the plate of fries. My ears heat up over what I’m about to admit.

“How much I’m pining over my own mother’s love and attention.” I want to take the words back as soon as I tell them because, wow, they seem so much more real and wholly crushing said aloud.

I wish the worn red vinyl banquette seat would swallow me to spit me out into a version of the universe where my life wouldn’t be so shitty and shameful.

“You know, just from that single phone call you had with your own mom, I knew how much she loved you. I was so jealous that when you hung up, you were smiling.” Another simple thing that is out of my reach. I scoff, shaking my head. “I only end up kind of hating myself when I talk to my mother. Hence why I ignore her calls most of the time.”

“Why are you answering at all?”

“Because she keeps calling. I’m still a saved number in her phone, you know.”

I get a sort of saddened understanding from him.

I mean enough to occupy some of her brain cells, still. I truly fear the day she stops calling me—the day I become a stranger from a past life.

Levi is hesitant to voice his next question, but he ends up asking me anyway. “Is Livie your sister?”

“Yes,” I say wincing.

“You said you had no siblings.”

It’s not an accusation; he just needs some clarity. He’s on the side of a cracked open door, waiting, hoping to see if I’ll open it wider for him. I do and drop more pieces of that cracked boulder.

“I’ve only seen her a couple of times. I don’t have any relationship with her. She’s ten years old now.”

Levi does the math quicker than I thought he would. Of course he does. He always listens to me, tucking my words away for future reference. I’m an open spreadsheet in his mind.

“You said your relationship with your mother changed when you turned eighteen. Is this the reason?”

“One of the many reasons, yes. The first one being that, since my mother had me at eighteen, she found it fitting that I’d be on my own at the same age. A fun new family tradition.” Although, I doubt Livie will get the same treatment.

“It’s payback,” I add.

“Payback for what?”

“For ruining her life.”

Because you see, Vivian hadn’t let her teen pregnancy take away her dream life from her. No, she just waited for her first-born child to turn eighteen before tossing her out into the world then tried her chance again at having the family she’d always wanted.

Good on her I guess, since she succeeded.

“Win.” My name is said with utter sadness.

“I told you, Levi. I’m an iceberg.”

“So she threw you out at eighteen because she made the choice to keep you?” That’s exactly what happened. And then some.

“And after, she got married to Ryan and had another daughter and finally built the life she always imagined herself having. And now she’s organizing playdates at the zoo and buying stupid glitter bag packs.”

My voice cracks at the end, but I still shrug as if it’s no big deal at all even if every beat of my heart is painful right now. Levi’s pain-stricken expression is blurred, and I bite my cheek hard, trying to hold my tears in. I quickly wiped my cheeks when they overflowed.

“It’s pathetic, I know. Crying over stupid shit.”

He shakes his head, stiffly. “No, Winnie. It’s not pathetic and it’s not stupid shit. They’re big steps in a kid’s life. So big that if ignored, they might force a pretty girl to try and reclaim them for herself.”

More tears fall on my cheeks, and I let them roll over my chin, while blinking at the guy sitting across from me, who is seeing me so thoroughly. How was it that he got it, so right? That he got me, so easily.