Page 72 of Sunset Catchers

“Winnie bear, what am I going to do with you?”

“Could you maybe write a complete guide titled, ‘How to Crush on someone for idiots,’ so I can know exactly what to do here?”

“You’re not an idiot, and you don’t need a guide. Just lean into it. Be yourself, flirt a little, and don’t spiral. It’s just about letting yourself feel this.”

“Okay! Sure!” I say, bobbing my head frantically. “I have a crush, so what? It’s no big deal at all. I’m a professional feeler of feelings. I got this.”

I don’t got this at all.

“You sure do, babe,” Junie lies, clearly also knowing that I don’t have this, while also knowing that she must let me deal with this on my own. “Call me whenever.”

“Will do. Love you, bye.”

“Love you.”

While sipping on my iced coffee, my brain does a run-through to assimilate the situation. The caffeine hits my bloodstream in a delicious way.

I have a crush on Levi.

My heart does a little somersault at the acknowledgment.

Calm down, I tell it. This doesn’t have to change anything. I bet lots of people wake up every morning, crushing on someone, and go about their day.

So, I’m one of them now!

Maybe there’s a meeting I could attend nearby, for anonymous crushers?

“My name is Winnie, and I have a crush on Levi.” I let the words swirl around. When the world doesn’t explode, I relax, melting against the counter.

It doesn’t mean anything, and it’s not weird at all.

Please, I plead with myself; do not make it weird.

“You’re being weird.”

I close my eyes, defeated. I want to throttle myself.

Turns out that I overestimated myself by a lot, because of course, I made it weird. Even after having all of Sunday to pep talk myself in preparation for seeing Levi, bright and early on Monday morning. I just can’t help it. I don’t know how to act around him now that I’ve admitted to myself that I have a crush on Levi. Junie is a stinking liar because it does change something. It changes everything, in fact.

My mind has been spewing out stupid thoughts from the moment I woke up. Things I’ve never bothered asking myself in regards to another human being that was male before.

Will Levi think I’m cute in this t-shirt?

Should I wear my hair up or down?

How is blush too much blush?

It made me self-aware in a totally new way. I spent an extra ten minutes this morning choosing the t-shirt I would wear under my work overall (a baby blue one that might match Levi’s eyeballs), and do my makeup.

By the time I was ready for the day, I was disgusted with myself. And angry with Levi that he made me care about his appreciation of my outfit until he told me, “Good morning. You look pretty” and all my moodiness was lifted.

Utterly pathetic.

And also, one question was being loud and kept pestering my mind: Does Levi also have a crush on me?

That is what bothered me the most.

I’ve never needed to ask myself if my feelings were reciprocated, since I chose my hook-ups on the fact that it was clear they wanted to get under my short skirt as much as I wanted to let them.