Page 128 of Sunset Catchers

I pull and pull until it’s completely unraveled.

A fresh start.

I begin again; all of my most cherished memories get knitted together. My friendship with Junie. All of my happy places and my favorite things. The work I do as an interior designer. All of the pink sunsets. Then there’s Levi. These last few weeks we’ve spent together. The prospect of our future, the hope of what is to come.

There’s this new sweater in my grasp.

It’s not perfect by any means. My stitching sucks and it’s cropped; there are still so many happy memories waiting to be made. But the thread is pink and soft. It’s not one bit scratchy.

I try it on.

It fits perfectly.

Finally, I can breathe.

The tears rolling down my cheeks are hot on my skin.

So now, the question remains; What do I want?

I want a good and happy life.

To be adored, not merely tolerated.

To be breathed in, not sighed out.

That someone finds it a privilege to have me, not an obligation or a mistake.

That my laugh be heard as a song, and not an irritating sound.

All these loose wires meet to form these new connections in my mind.

Levi, buzz, makes me happy.

Levi, buzz, makes me feel safe.

Levi, buzz, knows all of my favorites.

Levi, buzz, wants all of me.

I see it now, how before meeting Levi, I was just coasting through life. I knew it, but I didn’t understand how deeply unhappy I was. I thought I was just a sad girl, having a rough time, but my discontent is crater-deep. I’ve never been happier than these past few weeks, and yet, I’ve never cried as much. I want to take a year-long shower while tears run down my face until all the hurt is gone.

But wait. I’m no longer on my own.

Levi is there too, in the shower.

He’s wrapping me in his arms the way he did that morning. He’s there while a tornado is sweeping inside me, grounding me, so I don’t spiral away.

He is my anchor.

Levi is also there in the middle of the night, with his arm slung around my waist as a weighted blanket that keeps my fears at bay. He’s there in the morning, handing me an iced coffee, and he’s there during the day, being my handyman and helping me make every one of my ideas come true. At lunch time, he drives me to eat some burgers and fries, and for dinner, he offers me girl dinners served on a pink plate. At night, he’s my reading buddy or fellow movie club member.

Levi is sitting next to me on the porch swing while we catch the sunset. He’s in my every thought—he left a trace on my every brain cell. He’s under my skin and running in my veins. He’s part of my marrow now.

My peripheral vision is shot; I can only see forward.

I startle at the realization that this entire time, he’s been designing a picture of what it would mean to truly be his. For him to be mine.

It’s such a pretty picture—he’s astounding at his job.