Page 126 of Sunset Catchers

“Talk to me, Win.”

Hesitation puckers my forehead. I don’t know if speaking of my next worry is the right move. The last thing I want to do is to point a big red arrow at something Levi has not noticed. But in the end, I think knowing the answer is important.

“Are you disappointed by my lack of offerings?”

A deep frown mars his face. “What do you mean?”

“I’m by my lone self.” I explain, “I don’t have any family members to bring to our merge. You won’t have in-laws of whatever. Maybe that’s something you wanted?”

His eyes flash, two beacons in the dark; I can’t look away.

“You’re plenty enough, Winnie. More than I’d even think was possible.” The words warm me up inside, arrows shooting through me, but they don’t fully hit their target. My clotted feelings are obstructing my heart. I wish I could just inject blood thinners into my veins to dislodge them.

“What about what you want?”

“What about it?”

“Aren’t there goals on your list you want you’d want out of life? I know we briefly talked about kids, but what about getting married? Or where to live? Traveling?”

Another shrug to more decisions deemed inconsequential by him. He must see the bit of aggravation I’m feeling because he relents with a nod.

“There is stuff I saw happening in my future, I guess. Like living in Toronto, near my family. I’d love to travel more. Getting married was always kind of on my radar. But all of this doesn’t really matter.”

“What? Yes, Levi. It does matter! You should get everything you want out of life, and if, from the beginning, there’s something I can’t provide, then we should talk about it.”

“Impossible, Win. I only want you.” This time, his aim is right on. He hits the target perfectly. I feel it sharply inside my chest. These are the words I’ve always wanted to hear. Truly.

“It can’t be that easy.”

“It’s not. You’re a real piece of work,” he points out. I snort. “But it is that simple.”

“How?”

“I love you,” he says.

My inflated heart is bobbing around inside my chest, trying to find purchase on my mollified walls.

“I love you too.”

I truly do. I’ve just never known that to be enough. Levi’s gaze flicks over my face, searching, knowing, seeing, understanding.

“Then, we’ll make it work. We’ll both have to make compromises. But where I won’t compromise is doing life with you, Win. The other stuff, we’ll choose around us being together.” Levi’s face becomes blurry. “Does that sound good?”

Does it sound good? It sounds perfect! So why am I feeling so sad?

I want my brain to soak up Levi’s words and imprint them on its folds. To trust that we’ll work out and that we were fated from the start. Because our love feels slippery in my hands.

I’m scared. I’ve always been scared.

That’s why I’ve been only doing casual hook-ups. I knew that if I let myself get swept up into loving boys, I’d fall in love with every one of them. I wanted to be loved too much, to let it happen. I would not have survived being broken up with, even once. I couldn’t gamble my heart, my life-support organ; I sort of need it.

But I’m here now, in this place I’ve been avoiding for so long. It is so very terrifying to be on the cusp of something that could be great and downright beautiful. Something that would hurt me very much if I were to lose it.

Levi’s thumbs are on my cheeks, wiping tears away.

“Hey, now. Don’t cry, pretty girl.”

I buried my face in his neck, hiding away. Levi simply holds me, soothing his hands up and down my back.