Page 109 of Sunset Catchers

I step inside the shower, holding my sobs at the back of my throat, while heavy-duty tears mingle with the rivulets of water pouring from the shower head. I hear the front door to my cottage open. As soon as it shuts close, I start to sob. The ugly kind that wreaks havoc on your body and on your spirit. That cracks your ribcage wide open, to be let free. That immediately makes your head hurt with how they rattle you.

I stand under the water, arms tightly hugging my torso, trying to keep myself whole. I lean my forehead against the wall. The cold feels good over my heated skin. Another sob erupts from my throat, and my heart startles at the depth of my hurt. I don’t understand; I thought I was doing better.

Movement in my periphery—Levi is standing in the threshold, looking devastated. I try to get a hold of myself, but I just can’t, and Levi is undressing, and he is getting into the shower, and suddenly I’m sobbing in his arms. And he holds me tightly, and I let him because it’s time someone did that for me, and I desperately want Levi to be that someone.

There is no one else I’d rather cry in the shower with, you know.

“Why are you crying in the shower?”

I’m crying and hiccupping, so I’m unsure of the clarity of my sputtered words. “Because then I can pretend I’m not crying.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” he says, gently prying me away from him so he can hold my face and stare into my eyes.

I dig my thumb between my eyes. “My mom posted some pictures on Facebook to celebrate mother’s day. She posted twenty pictures, and none of them were of me.” My voice cracks on another sob. “I don’t understand what I did wrong, Levi. Why am I so hard to love?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I must’ve to end up being this dark splotch in her story.”

“No, Win. You’re not. That’s so far from what you are.”

“Then, what am I Levi?”

“You’re the afterglow,” he says, without even needing to think about it.

“The afterglow?”

“It’s what happens after the sunset. The light that stays in the sky afterward, that’s the afterglow. That’s you, Winnie. Even when you’re gone from the room, I’m left with this warmth and feeling so fucking happy. You’re incandescent, with your brilliant brain. Not one bit of you is hard to love. I would know, Win.”

I bring a hand over Levi’s heart and kiss him hard, since I don’t have words for him right now, before nestling my face against his chest. His chin lands on my head while I sob softly against him.

“I really want to break something right now,” he says.

I snort out a wet sound. “I do, too. My brain mostly, so I can reassemble it and leave out the saddest parts so I never have to feel this way again.”

I think I hear his heart breaking in his chest cavity. He doesn’t say useless and empty words; he just holds me some more until I stop crying. Then Levi grabs the soap bar to slip over my skin.

Some of my sadness gets washed away and ends up down the drain. By the time we get out of the shower, after Levi dries every inch of my body, kissing away the last tears on my cheek, I’m a touch less glum.

“I’m sorry today is a hard day for you.”

I sniffle. “I’m sorry you have to deal with my tears so often.” All I seem to do is cry when I’m with him. As if my body is trying to get rid of all my repressed feelings to make space for new, cheery ones. It sucks.

“I’ll hold you when you cry in the shower anytime, Winnie.”

“I might take you up on that.”

“Literally anytime.”

While Levi goes to his own cottage to get ready, I do the same. I put on a pink dress with little flowers and ruffles that hit the middle of my thighs. When I walk out of my cottage, Levi just stares at me and sighs. He is handsome as ever in a pair of loose blue jeans and a long sleeve dark green shirt with a few buttons undone; a white t-shirt underneath.

I feel like he’s picking me up to go to prom.

He can’t even wait until I’m down the stairs of my porch, meeting me on the middle step instead to whisk me away and get his lips on mine.

I giggle happily when he kisses me everywhere over my face, his hands on my hips to hold me prisoner. Not that I want to be anywhere else. When he’s done, I bring my thumb over his mouth, running it over his lips to swipe my gloss away. He tries to kiss me some more.

“We’re going to be late,” I warn him.