Page 118 of The Affairs of Ashmore Castle

‘Well, it can get a bit wild, and one’s hair does tend to come adrift, but it’s fun. And the boys one dances with are different – not always trying to impress you, just pleasant and jolly. And, I suppose it’s all the outdoor sports, but one noticed how strong and healthy they were. Different from drawing-room boys.’

For a moment there was a pensive, almost dreamy look on her face.

Alice said, ‘You’ve got a secret! Tell me.’

Rachel came back to earth, and giggled, her cheeks pink. She leaned close to Alice, though there was no one to hear, and said, ‘I’ve been kissed!’

Alice was not immediately impressed. ‘But you did a lot of kissing with Victor Lattery last year. At least, that’s what you told me.’

‘Oh, but I was a child then. It was just play – it didn’t mean anything.’

‘You cried like anything when he went away. You wanted to marry him.’

‘I wish you would forget about that. I tell you, it was nothing. And Victor was just a boy. Now I’ve been kissed by a man.’

‘Oh, Ray!’ said Alice affectionately. ‘Well, what was it like?’

‘It was . . .’ Rachel paused, remembering. ‘It was different from what I expected. But so nice. I’ll tell you how it happened.’

Their mother’s Aunt Cecily, who was only a few years older than Maud, had married a Scottish landowner, Gordon Tullamore, who had a great fortune from coal mines. Their children had always been known as the Cousins, and Tullamores and Tallants had been meeting all through their childhood. The eldest, Angus, was twenty-five and learning his father’s business. They had played together as children, but Rachel’s appearance at Kincraig in her new grown-up guise seemed to make him see her differently. When they were romping and playing games as a family, she caught him watching her all the time – only when she looked at him, he’d look away and pretend he hadn’t been. But when the outside engagements began, and there was dancing, and other young men showed their eagerness to be dancing with her, Angus seemed not to like it.

‘He was always wanting to dance with me, and got quite cross when I danced with anyone else – though he tried to hide it, of course.’

‘He was jealous?’

‘Well,’ said Rachel modestly, ‘I did wonder about that. Then one evening at Alvie Castle, I was dancing with Johnny Etteridge, who was being awfully silly and flirting with me madly, and when the dance ended, Angus came up and told Johnny he was making a spectacle of me and ordered him not to dance with me any more. Johnny just laughed, which made Angus even angrier. I was afraid they were going to fight each other.’

‘How horrid!’ said Alice.

‘Well, I thought if I wasn’t there they might both calm down. I was feeling hot, anyway – you do jump about an awful lot with Scottish dancing – so I went into the conservatory to cool down. Alvie has the most splendid one – they call it the orangery, and it runs all along one side of the house, and it’s full of marvellous trees and shrubs and things. And, anyway, while I was walking about there—’

‘Let me guess, Angus came in. Oh, Rachel, did you plan it?’

‘No!’ Rachel exclaimed indignantly. And then admitted, ‘Well, actually I thought Johnny Etteridge might come in, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but I thought I might as well see what happened. But it was Angus who found me, and he wasn’t flirty at all, but serious and rather upset-looking. And it made me feel awfully queer inside because, well, you haven’t seen him for ages, but he’s really grown-up now, and awfully handsome. I got a strange, fluttery feeling in my stomach. I tried to hide it – told him he couldn’t tell Johnny off like that. I said, “You’re not my father,” and he gave me such a look, and said, “No, thank God.” I said, “What do you mean by that?” And he said, “The last thing I want is to be a father to you.” And then he took me in his arms, and kissed me.’

Alice was imagining the scene, only, of course, with herself in the place of heroine. And the hero . . . She couldn’t bring Cousin Angus’s face to mind, but she gave him a tall, powerful body, with big, strong hands which were at the same time delicate in their touch, and a fair face with outdoor ruddiness, and tousled reddish-gold hair, and blue eyes. And a faint delicious smell about him, of leather and wood-shavings and a particular clean, warm male smell . . .

She found she had closed her eyes. ‘What was it like?’ she asked, without opening them.

‘When his mouth first touched mine, it was like an electric shock. It’s so intimate, you know, and – and like something that’s, oh, sort of forbidden, and dangerous, and you oughtn’t, but you want to anyway. But it went on for a long time, and after a bit it was . . .’

Her voice trailed off. Alice opened her eyes. Rachel was staring into space, and Alice couldn’t read her expression. It almost looked sad.

‘My first proper kiss,’ she said, ‘with a real man. Angus – he’s not a boy, you know, he’s a real, serious grown-up. And I could feel he was serious about kissing me.’

She stopped, remembering. She had felt quivery and sort of – hungry: wanting something, but not really knowing what it was she wanted. It had been disturbing. All this year she had been enjoying her mastery over the young men who flirted and danced with her and obeyed her every whim, vying for her smiles. But now suddenly with Angus she had felt weak. She felt she had no power over him. She didn’t entirely like it – but it was strangely exciting.

‘Yes?’ Alice prompted. ‘Then what happened.’

Rachel shook herself. ‘He asked me to marry him.’

Alice was impressed. ‘No! Not really?’

Rachel remembered how he had held her, how he had looked down at her, almost grimly, as if he wanted to shake her. ‘I don’t want to be your father,’ he’d said. ‘I want to be your husband. Will you marry me, Rachel? Say yes, and I’ll kiss you again. You need kissing – and by a man, not silly boys like Johnny Etteridge. Say yes, and I’ll kiss you until you swoon.’

She didn’t tell Alice any of that. The gulf between her, now a woman, and Alice, still a girl, was too great. ‘Yes, he did,’ she said.

‘And what did you say?’