Page 105 of The Secrets of Ashmore Castle

‘You should know!’ she cried. ‘You would know if you paid me the least attention. But I don’t exist for you when she’s around!’

‘What are you talking about?’ He sounded genuinely baffled, and it enraged her.

‘You went off with Giulia this morning – just the two of you alone – and you expect me to put up with it. You talk to her as if there’s no-one else in the world but the two of you, and I’m supposed to smile and bear it. I know she’s beautiful – I could hardly help knowing when everyone talks about it, everyone – and I know she’s much cleverer than me. But you married me! I’m your wife, whether you like it or not!’

He took a step closer. ‘Keep your voice down, for Heaven’s sake,’ he urged. ‘You don’t want them to hear.’

She went on as though he hadn’t spoken. ‘You married me, and I know it was my money you wanted, I know that, I’m not a fool, but it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to pretend I don’t exist! I deserve better, I deserve to be treated with respect!’

‘I do respect—’ he began.

‘You don’t even look at me. You don’t address a word to me. Anyone who didn’t know, seeing us at luncheon, would have thought I was one of the servants. You can’t treat me like that, Giles! I won’t have it! I expect – I expect—’

She was trembling with passion, and her rage had carried her, but now belatedly she had heard herself, and self-consciousness returned, weighting her tongue with dread. How had she dared speak to him like that? It was against the habits of a lifetime. She was as shocked with herself as she had been angry with him. And as the rage deflated, she was left with the terrible fear that she had broken something. What have I done? He’ll never love me now. I’ve spoiled everything. Tears, already close to the surface, welled up and spilled down her face in a terrible flood.

‘Kitty, don’t,’ he pleaded. ‘Don’t cry. Tell me what you want. I don’t understand.’

He didn’t understand? Had he not listened to a word? It was the last straw. She was just an hysterical woman to him, a thing with unpredictable moods, like a wild animal there was no reasoning with. Soothe her, like a mad thing – but don’t take her seriously!

‘I’m your wife,’ she sobbed again.

‘Kitty—’ He took a step forward, hand out, like someone approaching a snarling dog.

I’m not a dog! she cried in her mind. ‘Leave me alone!’ she sobbed aloud. ‘Go away and leave me alone!’

And – God help her – he did.

Giles lay on his bed, bemused. What had happened to the shy little girl he had married? Where had this rage, this passion sprung from? He had been surprised – agreeably surprised – by the physical passion they had shared; but for him, it occupied a separate compartment in his head. He’d had very little to do with women in his life. He always treated them as he treated anyone else, and since there had never been an intimate relationship, that strategy had worked out all right. It had not really occurred him, not consciously, that having done what they did in bed together, at night, in the dark, there ought to be any change in how they behaved towards each other in daylight.

She was jealous of Giulia – he thought he had gathered that from her incoherent raving. He was genuinely surprised. He had never had romantic feelings towards Giulia. She was like a sister to him – or, perhaps he should more accurately say, like a brother. He had known her for many years, had almost grown up with her, given that his important growing up had happened after he left home. He liked her mind, liked talking to her, but the idea of flirting with her, even if he had known how to flirt (Richard would have laughed at the idea) made him feel a bit nauseous. How could Kitty think it? It was a sign of her deranged mind. Him and Giulia? It was practically incest.

And yet – as he lay staring at the ceiling, where a thin line of light from the side of the blind tracked slowly from one side of the room to the other – and yet, deep down in his mind there was a seed of guilt, which he was unwilling to acknowledge. Women had not featured in his life as differentiated creatures – but there was one, wasn’t there? He had deliberately put aside, deeply buried his feelings for Nina; but he’d had them, even while he had been courting Kitty. He took them out now and looked at them. He had loved talking to Nina, and it had not been at all like talking to Giulia. With Giulia it was purely intellectual, just the same as when he spoke to Lucia or Flavio. But with Nina, every encounter had been an exquisite pleasure, every word had seemed to have a deeper meaning. He had felt connected to her in a way he had never known before, as though a cord were attaching her to him, as essential and life-giving as an umbilicus. She had mattered, in a way that Giulia or any other woman did not.

He had married Kitty, but he had already given to another woman what the matrimonial state demanded should be for her and her alone. In that way, he had betrayed her, and a small part of him betrayed her still. He had been unfaithful to her, and she knew it – she just had mistaken the object.

He must make it up to her, he thought. And remembering how she had raged against him – like a tiny kitten suddenly turned to a tiger – he felt a stirring of desire. Did that mean he loved her, really? Could he feel that for one woman while loving another? Had he really been unkind to her? Had he got everything wrong? Was it really his fault? Thinking these woolly, confused but on the whole willing thoughts, he fell into an exhausted sleep.

The storm did pass by on the south. The clouds had come up in a purple-black bank, like a fist threatening the island, but had moved on, leaving a sky of pale, tender blue behind, and a fresher air, a light wind blowing away the thick, damp heat. The birds that had fallen silent struck up the afternoon chorus with restored vigour. The household awoke, rubbed its eyes, and wandered downstairs to regroup and think about evening pleasures.

Giles looked around. ‘Where’s Kitty?’ he asked.

Lucia consulted the other faces. ‘I haven’t seen her. Isn’t she in her room?’

‘I’ve been here for half an hour,’ said Giulia, ‘and she hasn’t come down.’

‘Perhaps she’s gone for a walk,’ said Flavio.

‘Yes, it’s so pleasant now the heat has passed. I expect she’ll be back in a little while,’ said Lucia.

They waited, chatting in a desultory fashion, but Kitty did not appear. Giulia slipped away to ask the servants if they had seen her. It was James who came out from the house to hem softly at Giles’s shoulder. ‘I understand you were wondering where her ladyship is,’ he said. ‘I was taking a walk about an hour ago, my lord, once it’d got cooler, and I saw her going down the steps to the beach. I think she was going to bathe. She had a towel over her arm.’

‘Thank you,’ Giles said. Everyone was looking relieved. But an hour was a long time to stay in the water, when you were on your own. ‘I think I’ll go down and see how she is,’ he said. ‘She was a bit upset earlier – the heat, you know.’

‘She bathed this morning,’ Lucia said, ‘but she does love it so, I’m not surprised she’s gone again.’

‘All the same,’ Giles said, and went.

James watched him, and when everyone else had turned back to their conversation, he slipped away and followed, keeping a discreet distance. There’d been something about his master’s expression – and Marie had said her ladyship had seemed upset earlier. If she was down there, there might be a row, and if there was a row, he wanted to hear it. You never knew how you might turn something like that to account. Knowledge was power, as the philosopher said.