Page 29 of That Defining Moment

Cassian held his breath and listened to the retreating footsteps, counting each one until they faded into the creak of a floorboard at the far end of the corridor. Then he eased the lock open, cracked the door, and retrieved the tray from the hallway floor.

Lysander had made him a ham and cheese sandwich, cut into triangles the way Cassian preferred, with a thick wedge of chocolate cake beside it. The cake had a fork resting next to it, and there was a glass of water with a slice of lemon floating in it.

Cassian carried the tray to the bed, settled cross-legged on the mattress, and started with the chocolate cake.

The cake was dense, dark, and sweet enough that his teeth ached. He ate it in big forkfuls, licking the frosting off the tines between bites. His mobile sat on the duvet beside him, the screen still lit with Uriel’s last message.

I think about you constantly, Cassian.

Another message arrived as he scraped the last of the frosting from the plate.

I can meet you outside your house tonight. We can go back to the compound together.

The fork stopped halfway to his mouth. A smear of chocolate frosting sat on his lower lip, and he tongued it off without thinking, his eyes fixed on the screen. Back to the compound. Back to the dormitories where someone was always close enough to hear you breathe.

Then back to Charles.

Going back to the compound meant going back to the Lumineer, who would send him back to the house in Bayswater, because a Calyx who had strayed from his Evermate was a vessel in need of correction. Charles’s corrections left bruises that took weeks to fade.

Cassian set the fork down on the tray and picked up the sandwich. He ate without tasting it, his jaw working mechanically while he turned Uriel’s message over and over in his head.

i dont want to go back. ive told you why Uriel

He finished the sandwich and brushed the crumbs off the duvet onto the tray. Then he picked up his mobile again, because the next thought was growing big inside of his head, and if he didn’t let it out, it would sit there and calcify into something he would never say at all.

i think the Lumineer may have made a mistake when he gave me Charles as my Evermate

He stared at the words on the screen. Every letter was a small act of heresy and the sentence they made together was the largest thing Cassian had ever committed to a surface outside his own skull. The Lumineer did not make mistakes. The Lumineer was the vessel through which the Universe spoke, and to question his naming was to question everything Cassian’s world was built on.

But the doctrine said it shouldn’t hurt. The doctrine said you opened for your Evermate like a flower, and it felt like coming home. But none of it had felt like coming home with Charles. All of it had felt like rough hands closing around his wrists.

He sent the message. The reply was instant, as though Uriel had been holding the words ready.

You must not question the Universe.

He could stop here and accept Uriel’s indictment. He could type youre right and let the doctrine smooth his doubts. He could be a good Calyx, a receptive vessel, a man who trusted the Universe’s plan even when that plan left him hurting.

I think I should have been given you Uriel

The message sat in its little blue bubble on the screen, and Cassian stared at it, willing Uriel’s response to manifest.

The reply took nine minutes to come. Cassian counted them by the clock on the bedside table, each digit ticking over while the screen stayed dark and his pulse thudded in his ears.

Then the bubble appeared.

Come back to me, Cassian.

His breath left him in a rush, and he closed his eyes. Uriel hadn’t said come back to the compound or come back to the Family. He’d said come back to me.

Cassian typed with shaking fingers.

i want to. you have no ideu how much i want to but i cant go back to the Family of Light Uriel. I cant go back to Charles

Nobody is asking you to go back to Charles.

Cassian stared at the words. He read them again, and then a third time, because the sentence contained a promise so large that he didn’t trust himself to have understood it correctly.

thats what going back means. The Lumineer will send me to him.