Page 126 of Cross Ice

“Thanks.”

“Didn’t sleep?”

“Not really.”

He studied my face. “You want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Okay.” He went back to his stick. “But if you need to…”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. André taping, me with my elbows on my knees, staring at the floor.

“Seriously,” André said finally. “Where’s your head?”

I sat back. “Evan said he doesn’t know if being in love with me is enough.”

André was quiet for a moment. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. I just left. I don’t know what to say to that.”

“Do you love him?”

I looked at André. My captain, my friend, the person who’d been checking in on me since before any of this started.

“Yeah. I do.”

“Does he know that?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never said it.”

“Maybe that’s your problem.” André clapped my shoulder. “Figure it out after the game. Right now, get your head in this.”

I nodded.

But my head wasn’t in it at all.

The game started poorly and got worse.

I’d had bad games before. Every player had bad games. Nights where nothing connected, where your reads were half a second late, where you were physically present on the ice and mentally somewhere else entirely. I knew how to manage a bad game. You took shorter shifts, you simplified your decisions, you did the small things right and waited for your game to come back.

I didn’t do any of that.

First shift, I missed an open pass to André on a two-on-one. The puck died on my stick, chance gone. Coach gave me a look from the bench.

Second shift, a lazy slashing penalty. Two minutes in the box watching our PK team scramble.

First period ended 1–0 New York.

Coach didn’t say much at the intermission, just, “Get it together, Briggs.”

Second period, Coach pulled me after my third shift. Just a look and a jerk of his head toward the bench. I sat there for three shifts before he put me back out.

That was when it hit me. I’d been telling myself my hockey was suffering because of circumstances outside my control. But Utah wasn’t outside my control. St. Louis wasn’t outside my control. Today wasn’t outside my control.