Page 109 of Cross Ice

Evan

Want me to come over after you land?

Yes, I wanted him there. Wanted the warmth of him, the way being with him made the noise quiet down. But I’d just played like shit on national television because I couldn’t keep my head straight, and Evan coming over to take care of me felt like one more thing I was taking from him when he had so little left to give.

And underneath that—if I was honest—was something uglier. I didn’t want him to see me like this. Didn’t want him to have to manage my bad game on top of everything else he was managing. Didn’t want to need something from him tonight.

Which was exactly what André had warned me about.

Nico

I’m exhausted. Rain check?

I sent it and immediately knew it was wrong. Not because I didn’t need rest—I did. But because the exhaustion I was protecting him from was also the most honest thing I had to offer tonight, and I’d just filed it under rain check the same way he filed everything under fine.

I stared at the message I’d just sent, unable to unsend it.

Evan

Of course. Get some rest.

I put my phone on airplane mode and looked out the window at the runway lights sliding past.

I knew I’d just done exactly what André told me not to do. I couldn’t figure out how to undo it.

The plane lifted off.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Evan

Monday morning, Danny called at seven thirty.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Fine.”

“Evan.”

“I made coffee this morning. That counts for something.”

“That’s not the same as fine.” A pause. “When’s the last time you left your apartment?”

I looked around my living room and kitchen—blinds drawn, bags of cleaning supplies from yesterday’s delivery still sitting on the counter.

“I left on Saturday,” I said. “Went to the pool to swim laps.”

“And got photographed at the pool, which is why you haven’t left since.”

I didn’t answer.

“You can’t hide forever,” he said. “At some point you have to live your life.”

“I am living my life.”

“No, you’re existing. There’s a difference.” His voice softened. “Go to the grocery store today. Be a person for an hour. Please.”

“I’ll think about it.”