Page 87 of Mutual Discord

Scrubbing a hand across my brow, I grabbed my coffee cup and emptied the now-tepid liquid in the sink. I was gazing out the kitchen window into the backyard when the front door slammed closed. With a frown, I walked into the living room and glanced out the window in time to see Alex disappear down the sidewalk.

Where was he going?

Clenching my teeth, I debated if I should follow after him. Maybe he needed some fresh air and a walk to clear his head. Heaven knew I could use some fresh air, too.

I wandered into the bedroom, stopping short when I realized Alex’s stuff was gone. A cold chill swept over my body. Had he left left? Or had he left for a spell?

Spying my phone on the nightstand, I snatched it up, holding my breath with hope that Alex had sent me a message. But aside from New Year’s texts from my parents and brother, there was nothing from Alex.

My gaze darted about the room as my heart thundered in my ears. Ay no, was Alex done with me, or did he just need time? Surely we could talk through this. I wanted to wake Caitlin so she could help me figure out what to do, but I didn’t. I’d been selfish enough.

Instead, I walked woodenly into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Minutes later, I stood under the stream of hot water, replaying how I had gotten everything so wrong. My thoughts swung wildly between recrimination and relief that Alex and Caitlin weren’t actually a couple, and that he had chosen me in truth.

But I had tainted all our beautiful memories by revealing how much I doubted his character.

When I eventually climbed out of the shower, my skin red and pruney, I went through the motions of applying my skincare and treating my curls with leave-in conditioner before styling them with mousse and gel. After applying a bit of makeup, I changed into leggings and my favorite cardigan. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I recalled that Alex had once called it my “viejita” sweater before kissing me on the forehead.

And that was when my first tears fell.

I tried to be quiet. I knew Caitlin was sleeping down the hall, and I didn’t want to wake her, but now that my emotional dam had been toppled, I couldn’t hold back my sobs.

How had I misunderstood everything? All the months I tortured myself with my attraction to Alex; every time I thought of him in a way that stepped beyond simple friendship, I beat myself up for it. And while I had embraced being with Alex in truth during the last week, guilt was a perpetual rain cloud over my head. And it never needed to be. I just had to communicate with him. For someone who despised the miscommunication trope in the romance novels I read, I fell headfirst into an absurd kind of irony. The kind that cut and bruised—and worst of all, was self-inflicted.

My inability to open my goddamn mouth to ask Alex about Caitlin, or Caitlin about Alex, had robbed us of so much time together. Self-hatred choked me because I had no one to blame but myself.

I don’t know how long I sat on the floor, reliving moments I had gotten it all wrong. Wondering why I believed Alex capable of cheating on his partner when he’d only ever shown respect to others. In a world of toxic alphaholes, Alex had been a walking green flag. But that hadn’t been enough for me to question what I thought I knew. Because, once again, I couldn’t fathom a great guy choosing me over Caitlin.

At some point, my bedroom door cracked open, but I didn’t notice until a figure sank down on the rug next to me.

“You know, in all the years we’ve been friends, I’ve only ever seen you cry once.” Caitlin laid her head on my shoulder. “When we watched Steel Magnolias that weekend after graduation when we took that impromptu trip to San Diego.”

“Really?” I said, pawing at the tears on my cheeks.

Caitlin hummed. “I didn’t think you cried.”

“Of course I cry. I just do it in private.”

“Always so strong. Always so frank and forthright…unless it’s with yourself.” Caitlin laced her fingers with mine. “I’m fully convinced you could conquer the world, and yet I’ve watched you sell yourself short time and time again.”

“Wh—” I swallowed convulsively. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean, Sof, is that at some point you were convinced to settle for less than what you deserve. And I don’t understand why.” Caitlin gripped my hand tighter. “You’re that girl. Beautiful, smart as hell, so flipping funny. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been jealous of how effortlessly you take disappointments or setbacks and turn them into gold. Like you did with TikTok.”

I pulled away from her with a gasp. “You know about my TikToks?”

Caitlin snorted. “Duh. One of your videos came across my FYP a few weeks ago. I thought I was seeing things when I saw your face, but everything about the video was so completely you. I’m guessing that’s why you haven’t been job hunting.”

“Yeah,” I admitted, dropping my head.

“As someone who makes her living on social media, allow me to say how fucking impressed I am by how quickly you’ve grown your account.” Caitlin leaned back, chuckling. “And you’ve done it with a well-defined brand and consistent, steady output. Are you receiving a lot of partnership offers?”

We spent several minutes discussing my analytics and then my filming schedule. It was invigorating to discuss the nitty-gritty details of content creation with someone who knew the intricacies of the process, and for the first time, I wondered why it had taken me so long to tell Caitlin about the Matildas. Of course my friend was the perfect person to share my experiences and insecurities about being an online personality with.

Overwhelmed with my own stupidity, it took several moments for me to brokenly say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you with the Matildas. I’m sorry I didn’t just ask you if you and Alex were dating. I’ve made a mess of everything because I was afraid.”

God, I’d been afraid of so many things.

“Why were you afraid?”