Page 33 of Mutual Discord

I slid my gaze to Alex now, thinking of our conversation on the drive the day before. As if sensing my regard, he glanced at me, arching a brow in recognition of the point.

“So what do you do if you don’t have the sort of connections I was lucky enough to have?” Caitlin continued. “Well, several creators have already discussed how they got started, and I highly recommend you follow them and watch their content.”

She proceeded to share a list of creators from within the high-end fashion space, and a page appeared on the screen behind her with each creator’s account name and their avatar. A warm feeling bloomed in my chest, and I zoomed in on her animated expression. This was why I loved Caitlin. She never hesitated to use her platform to help others. To amplify the voices of marginalized creators. Caitlin acknowledged her privileges and tried to offer them to others. She was a girl’s girl, and I was so lucky she was my friend.

It was my turn to sense Alex’s attention on me. He’d come to stand beside me, dipping his head close to my ear to whisper, “I think you should tell her about the Matildas. She would be proud of you, and you know she’d do her best to help your channel grow.”

I did know that. I really did. But staring at my friend as she commanded the stage also made me feel a crushing sense of inferiority. Caitlin had always been so smart, so charismatic, so beautiful. As undergrads, I was routinely overlooked for my charming, prettier friend. And here I was, thirty-one years old and still allowing myself to feel overshadowed by her. It was so stupid.

Glancing at Alex, I aimed for a smile. “I know she would. She’s the best. And I’ll tell her when I’m ready.”

He stared into my eyes for a long moment, and I don’t know what he saw there, but he eventually nodded and returned his attention to the stage.

Thirty minutes later, I stood in my row, alternating between filming Caitlin chatting with several students, her smile warm, her patience everlasting, to checking comments and likes on my account. Alex had left to stretch his legs because the movie theater–style seats in the auditorium were uncomfortable at best. I imagined his long limbs needed a break.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed several figures at the end of my row. Turning, I raised my brows when I noticed three young women staring at me.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” one said as she approached, her steps timid. “But I had to ask…Are you SLikeTheSun?”

I sucked in air so quickly I was surprised I didn’t choke. Instead, I opened my mouth, then closed it, my lashes fluttering as I tried to focus.

“Yes, she is.”

I swung my head around, my panicked eyes colliding with Alex’s amused ones. He laid a hand on my shoulder, as if to say, What are you going to do now, Sofia?

His touch revitalized me, and I smiled, although it was a tad tremulous.

“I am,” I said, my voice much more confident than I felt.

A large grin bloomed on the young woman’s face. Her friends crowded behind her. “Oh my God, I thought it was you! I love your Matildas series.”

My mouth instantly went dry. I had been recognized. For the first time, someone I didn’t know recognized me in public, and I battled panic and delight in equal measure. Alex squeezed my shoulder, and once again, my thoughts cleared enough for me to respond.

“I-I’m so glad you do because I’ve loved writing and filming the series.” I allowed myself a small chuckle and hoped it didn’t make me sound deranged. “I’m almost disgusted by the amount of subject matter I have.”

A frown darkened the young woman’s mien. “I am, too. I’m also disgusted that I didn’t know about so many of the women you’ve highlighted. They were amazing, and history just erased them.”

“Do you have a favorite video?” Alex asked, and I flashed him a quick smile of thanks.

We talked for several minutes about the various historical figures I’d featured, and the first young woman, who I learned was named Courtney, shared some names she had discovered after my videos had sparked her interest. I dutifully added them to my Notes app, promising her I would credit her should I film videos on them. Before she left, Courtney asked if she could take a picture with me, and I agreed, smiling broadly as she snapped a selfie of us.

It took several minutes to calm my nerves after Courtney and her friends departed. While it had been exciting to be recognized by a fan of my content, it also reiterated how precarious my anonymity was. Surely, if my audience kept growing, my videos were bound to come across Caitlin’s feed at some point. And when they did, she would be hurt I hadn’t told her about the Matildas beforehand. For better or worse, I was on borrowed time.

“Was that your first time?”

I nodded, trying to avert my face so Alex wouldn’t see how red it was. I could feel the heat spreading under my skin.

“It won’t be your last.”

“You may be right.” My exhale fluttered my lips. “I need to tell her.”

Alex lifted a shoulder. “You don’t need to do anything, but I think you’ll feel better if you do.”

He wasn’t wrong.

“Do you know, I’ve watched you praise and celebrate Caitlin, but you haven’t let her do the same for you.” He arched a brow. “Why is that?”

God, how could I explain the thirteen years’ worth of history and dynamics between my best friend and me? A person I adored but with whom I’ve always felt a bit…less than. I’d only come to terms with my feelings regarding our friendship within the last couple of years, and I was terrified that by telling Caitlin about my social media content, I would erase all the personal work I’d done to repair my confidence.