Page 76 of Isabel and the Rogue

He craned back his head to meet her eyes. “Not just your sisters.”

Isabel’s expression turned pained. “You’re being nice again.”

“I had no notion you thought me so disingenuous.” Sirius could not keep the hurt from his voice.

“Not at all.” Isabel pressed her palm to his cheek, forcing him to meet her gaze. “But, mi amor, you have charmed your way into the beds of many women of the ton. You’ve been a rogue with a silver tongue, with the golden looks of an Adonis. Forgive me for thinking the words you’ve whispered to me might be a part of your ploy.”

“Ploy? I thought you understood the reason for my reputation.” It stung to say the words, but not as much as it ached to think she thought so little of him. “Our interactions, the connection we share, both physical and otherwise, have never been a ploy.”

Isabel kissed his chin. “I’ve never once thought of staying in London for longer than I had to. I’ve been so uncomfortable here. It’s loud and crowded everywhere I turn. And I routinely say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. And yet I was tasked with something important, and I failed at every opportunity. I’ve felt like I’ve let down everyone, Sirius. Over and over and over again.”

She kissed the corner of his mouth. “That was until we became friends, and suddenly there was another person who seemed to understand me. Took the time to know me.” Isabel clamped her eyes closed. “That seems unfair to say because Gabby and Ana María have loved me and accepted me unconditionally, but they’re my sisters. Their judgment cannot always be trusted.”

“And yet everything you’ve told me of them—that I know of them myself—convinces me their judgment is sound,” he grumbled.

“You dear man,” she whispered to his lips. After a time, they broke apart, quietly panting for air. “You’ve always seen me, Sirius, and I will forever love you for that.”

He was paralyzed. Every one of his muscles locked. Even his heart stumbled in its beat.

“Yes, I do,” she said, a shy smile lighting her face. “Since I first saw you, I think. There I was, hiding under a desk while two people made animalistic noises above me—”

“Christ, how appalling,” he groaned, hiding his face against her neck.

“Yes, well, I’ve pushed that aside in favor of remembering how incredibly piercing your eyes were.” Isabel ran her knuckles over his cheek, her gaze far away. “You have the bluest eyes I had ever seen.”

“And you had the fiercest scowl.”

Her laugh was the sweetest sound. “You deserved my scowl then.”

“And now?” Sirius asked, a bit breathless.

“Now you deserve my love.”

She was so staunch. So sure. That this stunning woman who battled her own sense of inferiority could be so sure of his worth brought Sirius to his knees.

“I’m not deserving of your love, sunshine.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed a knot. “My sins are great. In the war, I committed horrible acts in the name of the Crown. I did what I was ordered to do, but that knowledge does not eclipse my shame.”

“But are you doing those horrible things now? Still?” Isabel asked.

Abruptly, he thought of his work for the Home Office. The lies he told to friends and foes alike. The ways in which he manipulated his targets, many of them innocent women whose only crime was being associated with men capable of treason or espionage.

But Isabel knew of his work with the Home Office, and why he did it. And not once had she expressed disappointment in him. That disappointment he’d seen his whole life; first from his father, then his older brother, and later from the men he’d been forced to abandon on the battlefield. Isabel had never shunned him for what he felt compelled to do in the name of the Crown. In his quest to assuage his guilt…the source of which he thought he might be ready to share.

Because Sirius realized he would walk through the bowels of hell before he’d ever give Isabel Luna cause to be disappointed in him again.

Remembering her question, Sirius exhaled. “No. I don’t do those things anymore.”

A fierce look settled on her face, and Isabel kissed the skin over his heart.

“We’ve all done things in the moment that we wish we could take back. That, given the chance again, we would change. Make another choice.” Her obsidian gaze was mesmerizing. “But since we can’t, we have to learn to let go of the guilt, the shame, so that it doesn’t distort and discolor the rest of our lives.”

He wanted to believe that so dearly, but his conscience screamed that such a pardon was not something he deserved.

“Do you remember the nightmare I had in the study?”

Isabel nodded, her eyes wide and a tad guarded. Good. She needed to know that although he wanted her, she would be wise to remain wary.

“I’ve had nightmares since I’ve returned from the peninsula.” Sirius paused, his nerves suddenly on the surface of his skin. “If I’m lucky, I don’t remember them when I awake. But more often than not, I do. Every one is reliving the day I was shot.”