Page 30 of The Best I Never Had

I can’t stop my eye roll. This isn’t the first time someone has talked to me about how love can fix everything, that if I had just been open to the love of my foster parents, I’d be a much easier, more pleasant person. “Oh yes, I’ve heard all about the healing power of love.”

“You don’t believe in it?”

“No, I don’t. They say anyone can be healed by the magic of love, so if you experience one nice person in a lifetime of assholes and aren’t healed, you’re clearly too fucked up to be helped. It’s a cop-out for society.”

I’m breathing hard by the time I finish. When I look back at Cece, she’s watching me with raised eyebrows.

My stomach sinks, and I scramble to fix it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

Her laughter cuts me off. “Take a breath, dear. I can appreciate a bit of righteous indignation. And I agree that love doesn’t fix everything. But I think sometimes we get so stuck in who we believe we are—who we’ve been told we are—that coming to a new place without those expectations lets us take a step back. Giving myself that freedom allowed me to achieve my dreams.”

I look back over the mountains, and we sit in a moment of silence that’s only broken by the chirping of the birds.

“I’ve never had room for dreams,” I say, so quietly I’m not sure the words even left my lips.

“There’s always room for dreams, even if they aren’t achievable in the moment. When we stop letting ourselves dream, we stop living.”

If that’s true, I don’t know if I’ve ever lived. The only thing I’ve ever dreamed of is happiness for Addy, success and fulfillment and the freedom to make the choices she wants instead of the choices she feels are necessary.

Cece lifts both hands, letting them come down on her knees with a clap that echoes off the mountains. “Now, dear, are you going to tell me why you and my grandson are lying about your relationship or not?”

I sputter, and she laughs at whatever she sees on my face.

“What do you mean?” I ask, playing dumb.

“What I mean is you two have never been in a relationship. It’s clear in the way he looks at you. You did not break that boy’s heart.”

The comment feels like a knife to the stomach. I’m not the right fit for Owen, not right for this family, but hearing that it’s so laughably unbelievable that Cece clocked it from the start hurts.

“He doesn’t look at me like he has—or had—feelings for me?”

“Oh, he looks at you like he has some sort of feeling about you. But he doesn’t look like he’s pining for something he’s lost. He looks at you like he’s never had a taste and is desperate for one. It’s like me at Rita’s now that my doctor’s said I’m not allowed to eat too much fat. I may miss my favorite fried chicken, but that new item on the menu that would be delicious that I’ll never get to eat is a whole other sort of pain.”

A laugh bursts out of me, even as heat floods my cheeks. “Oh my god, Cece!”

She chuckles, leaning her elbows on her knees and turning her gaze back to the mountains. “I’m too old not to say what I mean. There’s no time left for bullshit.”

I bury my face in my hands. “This wedding moved so fast that neither of us knew the other was going to be here, and then we just panicked.”

“Can I ask why you two lied to begin with?”

My throat closes around the words because I can’t answer that question anymore. He gave me the spiel before we came up the first time. His mom was controlling and emotional and no matter how many times he told her he didn’t want to be set up, she kept pushing. He needed a break. But now, really getting to know the family, I don’t get it.

I peek at her from behind my hands. “I think that’s a question for Owen.”

I’ve seen more families than most, and none of them have been particularly positive. I’d stopped believing this type of family existed, big and full and loving. I don’t know why the lie didn’t bother me the first time. Maybe I was just so desperate for the money that I put on blinders, but now I can’t unsee the love and trust here. It feels like what we’re doing is corrupting that.

My jealousy over Owen’s life is a living, breathing thing, slamming against my ribs and begging to be released. While Owen was busy resenting this beautiful family, Addy and I were surviving, living in a constant state of defensiveness. No mother invested in our future happiness. No cousins or aunts or grandparents to watch out for us. This is the family she deserves, but Owen, with his lies and manipulations, is the one who gets them?

Just then, Owen turns the corner, and my frustration boils over.

He smiles at Cece, something softer in his gaze than when he looks at the rest of his family. “Mom sent me back to check on you.”

She laughs loudly. “Oh yes, I’m sure it’s about checking on me and not about the charming woman keeping me company.” She shoots me a wink and pops up off the ground. “I’m going to head back to the house.”

“Would you like me to walk with you?” I ask, desperate to get away from Owen before I blow up on him.

“I’m much more agile than most would believe, dear. Why don’t you take in the view with my grandson?”