Page 55 of Ship Happens

“Like maybe Jacob and I weren’t actually good for each other, not in the way we thought.”

Kevin nods slowly, leaning forward a bit. But when Owen expects Kevin to say something unhelpful or make a bad joke, he doesn’t, almost like he knows Owen just needs someone to listen to him right now.

“I had the thoughts even before he left. Every time Jacob wanted to go out, do something fun, and I didn’t want to go with him because I preferred being at home. When he wanted to go on vacation, talked about all the places that he wanted to see, friends he wanted to visit, all I felt was dread at the idea of leaving the city.” Owen threads his fingers together, feeling his palms grow clammy.

Jacob had always been so spontaneous, so fun. Always willing to say yes to any ridiculous thing without ever thinking of the consequences.

“I told myself that it didn’t have to mean anything—just because we don’t enjoy doing the same things all the time doesn’t mean we’re incompatible.”

“Do you really think it bothered Jacob that much?” Kevin asks.

“I’d see the disappointment on his face every time I told him that he could go somewhere without me,” Owen says to him. “And I mean, I’d always try to. I wanted to be with him, to be around him, but then I’d just worry that I wasn’t being enough fun, that Jacob would be more concerned with me and my enjoyment over having a good time for himself.” It was all the push that Owen’s brain had needed to begin the slow spiral.

It’d still be years before he actually had the thought that Jacob might be happier with someone else, but more time had only provided more evidence. Like when Jacob was so distracted when he was out with his coworkers that he missed Owen’s calls about picking him up from the shop after the buses had stopped running, leaving him to walk most of the way home before Owen finally bit the bullet and ordered a Lyft for himself.

Even smaller moments had started to affect Owen in ways that he hadn’t expected, like when he’d say something right to Jacob’s face only for him to blink and ask, “I’m so sorry, baby. Where did you say you were again?” Because he hadn’t been listening.

It’s not like he was mad at Jacob. Hell, Owen had plenty of moments like that himself, when his focus drifted without permission and he asked Jacob to repeat himself, especially when he was exhausted from work. Owen knew it wasn’t fair to hold Jacob to a standard that he couldn’t meet himself all the time. They’re people, they’re flawed. And yet, he couldn’t deny that his feelings were still hurt every time it happened.

“I still miss him,” Owen admits to Kevin. Every single morning, he wakes up eyeing the empty space next to him in bed. “Being around him again has only made things worse, I think.”

Kevin’s face turns contemplative, and he goes silent just long enough for Owen to wonder if he’s going to say anything else. “What do you want, Owen?” Kevin finally asks. “If you could have your dream outcome here, what would it be?”

“I want him back,” Owen replies. “I want him to come back to San Francisco, and I know that’s selfish but it’s the truth. I want him to be with me again, I want to sleep next to him, I want to make breakfast together and talk to him every day.”

Owen hesitates, realizing just how selfish he sounds.

“But . . .” Kevin prompts.

“But I want him to be happy, and that’s why I told him to go back to Duke, why I ended things so that he could leave without having to worry about me.”

“And you think that worked?” Kevin asks. “Do you think he stopped worrying about you?”

“No,” Owen replies, voice flat.

“Are you happy?”

Owen doesn’t bother hesitating, because he knows the answer. And he’s already told Kevin so much of the truth. “No, I’m not.”

“Do you think that getting Jacob back will make you happy?”

Now that’s an answer Owen doesn’t have. Which is ironic, because he’s given it plenty of thought. He wants Jacob back; there’s no doubt in his mind. But then he thinks about Jacob coming back for him. Packing up the life he’s built for himself with his team and giving up all the time and hard work he’s put into his research, all to come back for Owen.

All so that Owen can feel less alone.

Maybe they’d be happy at first, riding the high of being together again. But Owen knows those feelings would never last. Jacob would get antsy, sick of being in the same place all the time. Owen would always wonder if he’d trapped Jacob, if Jacob secretly resented him for taking him away from the thing that he’d dedicated his life to. Yet the most selfish parts of Owen’s heart still want him back. He doesn’t care that Jacob might hate him, that their relationship would probably just fall apart all over again.

Only this time, the fallout might be so much worse.

That scares Owen more than anything: a world where Jacob can’t stand the sight of him.

“Well . . .” Kevin lets out a deep sigh. “I can’t tell you what to do; no one can.”

“That’s incredibly helpful, thank you, Kevin,” Owen remarks sarcastically.

“I wasn’t done, rude!” Kevin shakes his head. “I know that I said the thing about the bird earlier, about letting people go even when we don’t want to, but . . . you and Jacob used to make me believe in love. You actually used to make me jealous.”

“Seriously?” Owen asks, genuinely surprised.