Page 34 of Ship Happens

Maybe it’s not a romantic sort of love, not anymore, but Owen does still love Jacob.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I’m still hurt, Jacob. You left me.”

“It’s not like I didn’t think about you, Owen . . .” he starts to say. “I wanted you to come with me.”

“You know me, Jacob. What makes you think I’d be okay with packing up my entire life, bouncing all around Europe?” Owen feels his palms growing clammy. “Maybe you get something out of never sitting still, but that’s not me, Jacob. You know that.”

Jacob opens his mouth, his gaze finding the floor. “You’re right. I did know that. I just thought that I could be enough for you to want to try.”

“Don’t turn this around on me,” Owen pleads. “I wanted to try, I did try.”

“You’re saying that I didn’t?” Jacob prompts.

“Do you think you did?”

“I don’t think either one of us did,” Jacob admits. “If you want to really know what I think, there it is. I think we both screwed up, and I think that we both could’ve tried harder.”

I thought you would’ve fought harder, Kaitlyn’s words echo in the back of Owen’s mind.

“I know that I could’ve been more honest, that I hid, that I do the ‘thing I always do,’” Jacob says, reminding Owen of the very words he’d used during their final phone call. “But you could’ve at least tried to come with me, made an effort to get over your anxieties because I was worth it. And maybe that’s not fair to put on you, but that’s how I feel, Owen.”

And he’s allowed to feel that way. Just like Owen is allowed to feel the way he does.

Owen eyes Jacob, unblinking, silenced by the outburst.

Jacob’s never been the sort of person to get heated, especially not over his own feelings. But this is different. There’s a strain behind Jacob’s words, like he has a wound that hasn’t quite closed. Owen feels like such an asshole.

Jacob lost his best friend too.

His shoulders slumping, Jacob seemingly remembers where he is. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to react like that.”

“It’s fine, Jacob. Don’t apologize for how you’re feeling.” Owen certainly has no plans to. “I don’t know if I’m ready to be your friend.”

Jacob turns to Owen with a new sadness behind his eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, a half-baked sound coming out before he looks away again. “That’s fair.”

“But I’m prepared to play nice,” Owen continues. “At least, I’m willing to try.”

Jacob turns, nodding slowly. “I am too.”

“All right, then . . .” Owen says, feeling so much worse than he did before they started this conversation. “I guess that’s that, then.”

“So, are we like, pretending to be friends? Are there rules?”

“Not pretending . . . not exactly, anyway.” Owen says before he adds, “No fighting. That’s rule one.”

“No passive-aggressive remarks,” Jacob says, eyeing Owen.

“That feels biased against me.”

“I’m prepared to admit that it is.” Jacob chuckles, which pulls a laugh out of Owen as well. “Maybe if we don’t have anything nice to say, we don’t say anything at all.”

“Again, this is just sounding more and more biased against me.” Owen feels the corners of his mouth perk up ever so slightly.

“Well, start making up rules, then,” Jacob teases.

“What about when we’re alone?” Owen asks.

“Do you really see us being alone that often on this trip?”