Page 14 of Ship Happens

As if the ghosts of Statler and Waldorf themselves are taunting him, Owen finds his gaze constantly pulled to the back of Jacob’s head. And there’s something . . . different. Not just in the length, but . . . the smell too. Like he switched shampoo.

By the time the credits roll, Owen has to figure he’s set some kind of record.

Longest Time Gone Without Raking Your Hands Through Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Hair While He’s Sitting Right in Front of You!

Probably a little too specific to email Guinness.

The games come out, and Owen takes his chance to slip back into the kitchen. He’s never been all that into Magic: The Gathering anyway, and the four-person version of the game that Kaitlyn loves to make everyone play has the potential to go on for hours, especially because Hailey’s never been quite able to get the mechanics down. Unfortunately, Owen can only avoid playing for so long before he’s pulled into one of the smaller two-person games, stopping every few minutes to ask Kaitlyn or Abigail for a reminder on the order of phases he’s supposed to take and when.

Anyone who is knocked out of the game early congregates back around the coffee table, picking at the leftover desserts. Thankfully, Jacob’s much better at the game than Owen is, meaning Owen doesn’t have to make the effort to avoid him.

For a while, he gets to sit on the floor with Hailey and Kevin, watching music videos as they continue to stuff their faces with sweets. Eventually, the games end, and everyone gathers together again, most of them half asleep thanks to their full bellies.

“All right, gang!” Kaitlyn says, clapping her hands together as she stands. Owen watches her traipse over toward the Christmas tree in the corner. “We’ve come to the grand finale of the night.”

Kaitlyn plucks three red envelopes from behind the plastic branches where she’d hidden them.

“What’s this?” Jacob asks, eyeing the envelope as it’s handed to him. “We’re doing gifts?”

“Well, we are,” Kaitlyn says with a sly grin as she walks around the room, handing envelopes to Kevin and Owen as well.

“Ravi and Hailey don’t get one?” Kevin questions.

“We unfortunately will have to abstain from the gift,” Hailey says, turning to Ravi.

“We didn’t think it was a great idea to take a baby on a—” he starts to say, letting out an oof when Hailey elbows him in the ribs.

Through gritted teeth she asks, “How about we don’t spoil the surprise, hmm?”

“Kaitlyn and I are going to make it up to them later,” Abigail says. “And we received their blessing to proceed as planned with the three of you.”

“Well, that only raises further questions,” Owen says bluntly.

“We’re getting a lot of hot pot out of it,” Hailey assures them. “It’s fine.”

“Like an irresponsible amount,” Ravi adds.

“Actually, there are two presents—this is part one.” Kaitlyn continues, sinking back onto the couch next to Abigail. Hailey and Ravi give each other the same confused look, which tells Owen that they didn’t realize there were parts to this gift.

“What is it?” Owen can’t help but ask.

Kaitlyn leans forward, holding her hands together as she grins. “Open this one first, then we’ll get to the second one.” The room immediately fills with the sound of ripping paper.

“‘You’re setting sail!’” Kevin gets his card free first, reading the text aloud. The words are in a giant speech bubble, being spoken by a coconut with sunglasses lounging on a beach with a drink in hand, a cruise ship far off in the distance.

“Does what the coconut is doing count as cannibalism?” Owen inquires, staring at the coconut drink in the mascot’s hand.

“Yeah, that feels sort of messed up,” Jacob agrees, and Owen has to stop himself from rolling his eyes at Jacob daring to join in on the bit. “I feel like a pineapple would be better?”

“Isn’t that still weird?” Kevin piles on. “I feel like any fruit drinking another fruit is still weird.”

“Is Kevin allowed to say ‘fruit’ that many times?” Owen teases, watching as Kevin’s cheeks flush. “As the only straight man in on this gift?”

“What if it was a vegetable?” Hailey asks. “Like carrot juice?”

“Okay, that’s it.” Kaitlyn holds out her hands. “I’m taking the gifts back! None of you deserve them. Give them back.”

“We’re just asking the important questions!” Owen argues, snatching the card out of her reach.