Page 5 of The Build-a-Boyfriend Project

“I’m done dating,” he says, reminding her of the proud proclamation he’d made. “Done. D-O-N-E!”

“But you could meet the one, that guy that’ll totally sweep you off your feet.” Patricia goes all starry-eyed. “And you won’t know unless you try!”

“I’ve tried. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Not worth it.” Eli stabs at his lettuce violently, accidentally spraying his glasses with dressing.

“Says the guy who sobs over rom-coms any chance he gets.”

“Those are movies.” He cleans his glasses with a spare napkin, leaving them streakier than before. “And they’re not even accurate.” If they were, he and Keith would’ve had their big reunion: running into each other’s arms, Keith coming to his senses, and Eli forgiving him in that big third-act climax as the music swells and everything turns out okay. The credits roll, and the audience gets to imagine what their perfect future looks like, all complete with a montage that shows their life just after the end of the movie.

Eli’s eyes drift across the office to Keith’s office, Patricia’s following him.

“I’d love to squish his stupid little head . . .” Patricia murmurs, setting her empty Tupperware down.

He wasn’t even doing anything, just typing something on his keyboard.

“I just think we’re different people,” Keith explained when Eli had asked him what went wrong. He hadn’t been brave enough to ask Keith in the moment after the breakup. He’d only gotten the courage when he’d collected his things from Keith’s apartment.

He’d gone home and cried after that, much like he had in the days that came before. Rose and Patricia had found Eli in the dark apartment after they turned on the lights, Rose yelping when Eli scared her.

They’d done their best to help cheer him up; alcohol from the liquor store downstairs was purchased at some point, which led to the two of them opening their individual Notes apps to do dramatic readings of every issue either of them had with Keith.

Selections included:

Never posting a single picture of Eli on Instagram because Instagram is “for networking, not relationships.”

His terrible choice of cologne that made their apartment reek for days.

When he tried to explain a Vietnamese dish to Rose even though she’s literally Vietnamese.

He talks through every single movie and TV show and reads the TV Tropes page for spoilers so he can act like he figured out every twist before it happens.

That time he liked the wine Patricia bought and when he asked where it came from and Patricia said “I don’t know, it’s just from Target,” he went on a twenty-minute rant about how important it is to “know where your wine comes from.”

Never introducing Eli to his parents or family.

Eli’s ashamed to admit he never even noticed some of these things until it was too late. Of course, the Instagram thing hurt, but he tried to be understanding when Keith explained himself. And Eli had once thought the smell of Keith’s cologne was nice; he even sprayed some of it on his clothes while Keith showered just so he could smell him throughout the day.

And his family . . . Eli told himself that he understood. His own family was a little out there as well, always wanting to tell the most embarrassing stories from Eli’s childhood, even though he hadn’t been the person they were talking about in a decade. But it always struck him as odd that Keith’s mother never seemed to know that her son was in a committed relationship. Eli almost asked him multiple times if Keith was out, if their relationship was a secret. Not that he’d mind—it was Keith’s business if or when he came out, and who he was out to—but Eli would’ve liked to know, just so he could help, or at least lend an ear to Keith’s anxieties. They were boyfriends, after all.

And isn’t that what boyfriends are supposed to do?

“Do I have anything in my teeth?” Eli flashes Patricia a forced grimace.

“You’re changing the subject,” she tells him.

“Help me out here.”

“You’re clear,” she relents. “Special occasion?”

“Meeting with Michael when he’s back from lunch.”

“Wait, like meeting with Michael, or meeting with Michael?”

Eli stares at her for a moment. “I don’t hear the difference.”

She raises her shoulders a bit, leaning in. “Is it what we’ve been discussing for the last three weeks?”

Eli’s nerves seem to jump in an instant as he reaches for the computer mouse that isn’t there. “Yep . . .”