Page 65 of Love Out Loud

I check that Lennon’s door is still closed. He’s been editing all afternoon with no sign of taking a break, so I curl into the fluffy armrest of the couch. “Carl emailed. He said there’s been a buzz about the audiobook. I don’t suppose you had anything to do with that?”

She tilts her head back and forth. “I may have been talking very loudly about how excited I was to hear your narration and how cool it is to have someone on our faculty doing such a high-profile project. He might have been within earshot.”

“I had a hunch. Anyway, it’s apparently enough to justify giving me some of the higher-level classes on a trial basis.”

Hannah scoffs. “Trial basis. What bullshit.”

Lennon said the same thing, and they’re both right. I’ve worked hard at Arbor Hills for fifteen years to prove myself. The implication that I would have to continue to justify my expertise is slightly insulting. “You don’t think I should take it?”

“I’m not going to tell you what to do. I know how hard you’ve worked for this job. But I also know how amazing you are. Carl apparently hasn’t caught on yet.”

“Maybe he’s catching on now.”

“On a trial basis.” She imitates him with a nasally voice and squinty eyes.

“You think it’s too little too late,” I guess.

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” She’s all serious now. “What do you think?”

“I think I’m too old to make this massive change in my life. I think Lennon and I will probably try to make it work no matter what, but either of us can do the jobs we’re doing here from anywhere. The only job that’s not movable is mine at Arbor Hills, so it feels like a no-brainer to try to make it work there, even if LA is objectively better. Not to mention that I haven’t told Devin yet. This is all so new still, but it feels strange keeping something so giant from the most important person in my life. What is she going to think?”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Hannah interrupts. “Devin is important, but she can’t figure this out for you, either. It’s okay for you to take some happiness for yourself, Lark. You can’t always be doing everything for other people.”

“Ugh, did you and Lennon talk, or something? He more or less told me the same thing,” I grumble.

“He’s a smart man.”

I sigh deeply. “I’m stuck,” I admit. I bite my lip, wondering if I should let her in on the next part or not. But she’s my only friend back home, and I need advice, so I say quietly, “I watched Lennon’s parents make decisions that didn’t have him in mind all through high school, and I’ve seen how it still affects him, even now.” I close my eyes against the image of Lennon standing in the open door, eyes bloodshot and shoulders slumped. “I don’t want to do that to Devin.”

Hannah isn’t completely in the dark about this. I’ve told her before about Lennon’s parents and their nomadic nature. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a big deciding factor in my staying in Michigan through the divorce. I wanted Devin to have some consistency. I’m just a little unclear now about whether or not she’ll still need it while she’s away at school. And yet a nagging voice in the back of my head is telling me that leaving Lennon in LA now that we’ve started this won’t end well for him, either.

I open my eyes. “I don’t want to leave him. I’d never leave him. We’ll always be friends,” I clarify uselessly. “But…you know.”

She nods and draws in a long breath through her nose, which is something I’ve seen her do with students who aren’t quite getting the point. “You do notice none of the things you’ve said are about you or what you want, right?”

I blink rapidly because no, I hadn’t noticed that. Lennon and Devin are so inextricably wound up with me that I almost wonder what would be left if I pulled the threads of them out of the fabric of my being.

As if Hannah can read that realization on my face, she hums. “You’ve got some soul-searching to do.”

“Thanks for the help,” I intone.

“Anytime!” she says brightly. “So, have you had an occasion to wear that bombshell bathing suit I picked out for you yet?” She waggles her eyebrows as Lennon’s door swings open.

“Bombshell bathing suit?” he asks from the doorway, his own sandy eyebrows raised in curiosity.

Hannah’s face lights up. “Oh my god. Is that Hot Lennon?”

“Hot Lennon?” He can barely hide the smirk creeping across his features.

I roll my eyes. “Careful, Hannah. His ego really can’t take much more inflation before it bursts.”

In several long strides, he crosses from his bedroom to the couch, where he plops unceremoniously next to me. He leans right into my space so he can see the phone screen. His cheek is practically pressing against mine, and he slings an arm over my shoulders to squeeze me in tight.

“Oh my god, Lark.” Hannah fans herself. “He’s even hotter than that picture on your desk.”

Lennon turns so his lips are brushing against my ear. “You have a picture of me on your desk?”

I eye him sidelong. “Why wouldn’t I?”