Page 73 of Plane Passion

He squeezed his hands into shaking fists, willing himself to hold it together. His family depended on him. They needed him. He had to figure out how to make this right, but his mind wouldn’t clear. Blood pounded in his head so loudly he could hardly hear his own thoughts.

I’ve let them down. All of them. And it was all for nothing.

His father crouched down in front of him and put a hand on his arm. “Listen to me. We’re going to get through this. We’ll find you another job, and I’m sure with time you’ll figure things out with Millie. And if you don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be. I’m sorry, son. I could tell how much she meant to you.”

Ernie raised his eyes slowly to his father. “You’re not angry with me for risking our livelihood over her?”

His father sighed. “I’m not happy, but I know we’ve placed too heavy a burden on your shoulders. I don’t want you to think you have to sacrifice your happiness for our sakes. I know it feels devastating now, but it was only a job. You can always find another.”

“Not one that pays so well.” What would happen to his sisters? Would Constance have to quit secretarial school? She was so close to finishing.

“No, probably not. But that’s all right. We’ll figure it out. We’re a family of six. You shouldn’t be the only one carrying the load. Together we’ll get through this.”

Ernie took a deep breath, air reaching his lungs at last. His father’s words comforted him. He was lucky to have such a loving family. It wouldn’t do any good for him to panic. He had to find a way forward.

Without Millie.

The thought stung. He wasn’t ready to think about her yet. He’d risked everything and ended up with only heartbreak to show for it.

“I really did love her, Pop. I still do.”

“I know, son.” His father squeezed his shoulder. “God works in mysterious ways. Maybe there’s hope yet.”

He didn’t want hope. It would only cause him further pain, but some part of him couldn’t let go.

“I’d like to go up to my room for a bit.” Comforting as his father was, he needed some time alone.

“Of course. When you’re ready, come find me, and we’ll figure out how to get you a new job. Plenty of folks in my congregation need good workers. I’m sure we’ll find you something.”

He headed upstairs and picked up his sketch pad. His first impulse was to draw Millie, but he stifled it, instead drawing a portrait of his father with slow, deliberate strokes. The flow soothed him and helped him compose himself.

What an idiot he’d been. How could he have let this happen? Every step along the way he knew this was a possibility, and he kept going anyway. He kept coming back to her, risking everything.

He thought she was in this with him, that she shared his feelings. Hadn’t she said so when she came for dinner? The sacrifice might have been worth it if she’d stayed by his side, if they’d faced this together. But he’d been a fool.

She didn’t love him. If she did, she never could have done this. Everything was so neat and orderly before she came along. How could he have let her upset his equilibrium? The women he dated were safe. With them, there was no risk. If he’d only resisted Millie, none of this would have happened. He was happy before he met her.

Wasn’t he?

And yet he couldn’t imagine going back to that life. The thought of casual liaisons with no ties made him shiver. He wanted the inferno, not the pallid flickering flame of surface attraction. Even if it wrecked him.

And it had wrecked him. Quite thoroughly.

His father might have been understanding, but what were his sisters going to say? He’d ruined their prospects with his recklessness. Those were the women he should have been worrying about, not Millie Aldrich. His sisters loved him unconditionally and entrusted him with their futures, and he’d let them down.

Pursuing Millie had been selfish. If only he had been affected, he wouldn’t feel so awful. But his family was going to pay the price for his inability to keep away from her.

How was he ever going to make this right?

Putting down his pencil, he headed downstairs. A part of him hoped his sisters and mother would be furious. It would be easier to take their anger than their understanding and forgiveness. He deserved to be berated. He’d done them wrong.

When he arrived in the sitting room, the whole family was gathered. They were silent as he entered. When had his sisters ever been silent?

Constance looked up at him with far too much compassion. It made him want to run back upstairs and hide. The twins stared into their laps and chewed their lips. Mom furrowed her brow and looked up at him with sorrowful eyes.

Pop stood beside them, a hand on Mom’s shoulder.

“Oh, Ernie, I’m so sorry,” Constance said, breaking the heavy silence.