Page 139 of Starside

This again? “You said you’d teach me.”

“I changed my mind.”

I blink, and I … I don’t understand. Just hours before, he was speaking to me. Making a sound that almost resembled a laugh.

Where is this coming from? Why is he suddenly being so cold again?

“But—”

He turns, fast as lightning. “You want a lesson, Aris? Don’t run into fucking deadly mists. Don’t approach deadly creatures. Don’t look in wonder at something that will not hesitate to rip your throat out. Don’t say that this world that will kill you in a thousand different ways is beautiful.”

I stare him down, and he stalks forward, so I’m forced to tilt my head up to keep my gaze with the inside of his hood. He does not speak to me. He never does. But it seems like now he can’t stop. Now he needs to let me know exactly how he feels.

“You are the most reckless person I have ever met. Danger is drawn to you. And you run right toward it. It’s like you’re courting death. It’s like you’re trying to take me down with you.” I didn’t think it possible, but his voice gets sharper, colder. “Every day, I think you can’t get any more foolish, and every day, you prove me wrong.”

I flinch like I’ve been slapped. “I have survived this far.”

He just laughs. And it is mean. It is cruel. He steps toward me. “You are only alive because my blade has stood between you and death. And I’m fucking tired of it, Aris. I am not your savior. I am not your guardian.” I frown. Is that it? The words from the hunter got under his skin? He looks me up and down, and I can imagine that beneath that mask he is sneering. “You want to die? Fine, keep going. But I won’t be watching. Not anymore.”

I open my mouth. Close it. I want to say a thousand things, but my throat tightens. The only thing that comes out is “You need me.” He needs my map. He wants my sword.

“I need you?” He laughs again, that cruel sound that makes me feel like I am no better than dirt. “You? The reason behind every trial, every problem, every attack we have faced?” He shakes his head. “No map is worth this. I’m better off without you,” he snarls.

My eyes burn. I feel a tear slide down my cheek.

And that only seems to anger him more. He steps right in front of me and says, “You are weak. You are foolish. If you want to live, turn around. Leave your sword. Give up. You don’t have what it takes to survive this. You never did.” I don’t want to—I don’t fucking want to—but I start to cry in earnest. A sob escapes my lips. He just shakes his head. “Go home, Aris,” he says. Then he walks past me, past the fire, and out into the rest of the ruins.

25

The boat is heavier than it looks. The pebbled dirt crunches beneath its hull as I drag it to the edge of the starless-black water, the sound swallowed by the rain.

It must be afternoon, but it looks like evening, the sun still smothered by storm clouds. Raker is sequestered in a room on the opposite side of the ruins. He hasn’t surfaced in the hours since he left me by the hearth.

My time with him is over. That’s clear. He’s given up on me. He’s decided I’m not worth the map or being a fucking mule for the sword he has already claimed in his own mind, and I won’t wait around for him to kill me and take it for good.

In this storm—I have a chance to run. From Raker. From my own shame and guilt.

Because he’s right. I’ve been the cause of so many dangers. I could blame my sword and the notice it brings me, but Raker has a weapon just like mine, yet he hasn’t gotten in a fraction of the trouble I’ve found myself in. I need to be stronger. Better.

Without him.

I keep looking over my shoulder, expecting to see that hood, to see the glimmer of that mask or glorious blade right before he cuts me down. But there’s nothing but a wall of rain and wind.

I can’t believe he thinks I would just give up my sword. Just leave it on the floor and crawl back to the gates with my tail between my legs.

Fuck him.

The ground finally gives way beneath the boat, and I exhale sharply as it surges into the water. Carefully, I crawl inside. There are paddles by my legs. I’ve never done this before—Xara’s boat maneuvered itself—but I understand the basics. It takes a few tries, a few times the paddles nearly fall right into the dark lake, but I finally figure it out. Then, with the same strength I’ve attempted to build for wielding my sword, I paddle.

Rain pierces the water all around me in pinpricks. My boat and paddles cast ripples. I peer into the onyx lake, imagining a creature will come crashing up from the abyss. A chill slides through my blood, as if I’m locking eyes with something ancient, something my weak mortal vision can’t see, just below the surface. But nothing breaks through.

My arms quickly start to burn, still I don’t slow, lest Raker notice I’m gone and that I didn’t, in fact, leave my sword behind.

If he really wants my blade, at least I have a head start.

And I have the map—an advantage. I know what landscapes await. Which is why I really fucking wish I didn’t have to go through this alone.

Though it’s so easy to hate him, he’s been a steady presence by my side for weeks. He’s been a hand in the dark places, begrudgingly helping me through them. An ember of sadness stirs at the thought of never seeing him again. It’s quickly snuffed out by all those words he said. He clearly hates me almost as much as I hate him.