Page 60 of Wilde Hearts

“I don’t… I don’t know for sure. It’s the one thing that will haunt me until the day I die. I can’t ever know exactly why he took his own life, but…”

We sat in silence for a few moments.

Then Ensley frowned. “That doesn’t explain why you left.”

I felt an instant headache coming on. I reached for my drink and downed half of it. When I set it on the table, I looked into her eyes.

“A couple days before he took his own life, I told him I was going to ask you to marry me. I showed him the ring, and because he was your best friend, I asked for his blessing.”

Ensley sat there, eyes blinking rapidly, but she didn’t say a word.

Clearing my throat, I went on. “He seemed happy for me…for us. He gave me his blessing and told me if I ever hurt you, he’d kill me, brother or not.”

The corner of her mouth twitched with a slight smile.

“Everything seemed fine. He seemed fine. He wasn’t upset or angry…I thought he was happy for us.”

Ensley reached across the table and took my hand. “Oh God, Colt. You don’t honestly believe he took his life because you were going to ask me to marry you?”

I looked up and felt a tear slip free. “I think my brother was secretly in love with you all those years, Ensley. And I think when I told him that I was going to marry you, he…”

My voice trailed off.

Now she took my other hand. “Listen to me, Colt—your brother did not kill himself because you were going to ask me to marry you. He didn’t love me in that way.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because he was my best friend, other than you. I knew him better than anyone, and he wasn’t in love with me. He—”

I shook my head. “Ensley, a few days before he took his life, I told him I was going to ask you to marry me. Then I heard him and my father talking in the barn. More like fighting, actually. Grady told Dad he was going to leave for a few months and travel around. See places he’d always dreamed of seeing. I didn’t see a problem with it, but Dad got angry, asked him why he couldn’t be more like me. Said his place was working alongside me, taking over the business our father had built.

“Grady blew up and started yelling at our father. He told him he was sick of being compared to me, and if I was already everything Dad ever imagined in a perfect son, why couldn’t he just be happy with me taking over the business, marrying you, and leaving Grady alone to enjoy his life the way he wanted? My father, of course, told him that he loved both of us the same, he just couldn’t understand why Grady wanted to leave so badly.

“I thought maybe he’d finally tell my father about the flying lessons, but he didn’t. Instead…he gave in and said he’d help with the family business. He was going to give up his dreams because he didn’t want to disappoint our father.”

“So how does that make you the reason he killed himself?”

“Because to this day, I think his sudden desire to leave and travel the world was because he couldn’t stand the idea of us getting married. And after that fight with Dad, it was like I was taking everything away from him. You, his freedom to travel, his ability to choose his own future. I couldn’t live with that, Ensley.

“I knew how much you needed me, and I knew my parents needed me after Grady’s death. But knowing I’d most likely had something to do with him taking his own life…I couldn’t stay. I had to leave. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of guilt. Everywhere I looked, I saw him. And all that did was remind me about how my father constantly compared the two of us. How I’d taken his best friend, and possibly the woman he loved, away from him.

“I had to get my head straight. I also knew if you or my parents found out I might be the reason he’d committed suicide, you’d never forgive me. So…I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I left. I was so fucking lost and scared. I was so angry, most days I thought I was losing my mind. And I told myself I’d only be gone for a couple of months. Just until I could figure out a way to tell you. To tell my parents. But I was such a coward, Ensley. Everything my brother thought I was…I was actually the opposite.

“I felt desperate to make some kind of amends. I decided I’d live the life Grady never got to live, minus flying the planes. At least until I could figure out how to tell you what happened.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me you needed some time? I would have understood, Colt. You had just lost your brother.”

I shook my head. “Looking back now, of course I know that’s what I should have done…but in that moment, I was grieving and guilt-ridden. The emotions were so overwhelming that the only thing I could think of every day was, how can I run away far enough, fast enough? How could I escape the memories and the knowledge that I was the reason my brother took his own life?”

Tears filled her eyes. “Colt.”

I held up a hand. “Let me finish.”

She nodded.

“I gave myself three months, then I’d come back home and face the truth. But three months turned into six. Six months turned into a year. I kept waiting for all the feelings to ease. For some kind of clarity. Instead, I just became…numb. The grief and guilt overtook my life until literally nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t even care if I died.”

She sucked in a breath and covered her mouth with her hand.