Page 68 of It Takes a Thief

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” He sneered. He actually sneered. How could a guy with so much brain damage drive an old car like this? The 440 engine was way more power than we were used to on bikes.

I yelled, “I’d say it’s up to you to tell me, because you’re being surrounded by ten murderous bikers who have nothing to lose.”

He yelled, the wind flapping his lip, “Why would I tell you? She’s packed away safely where she’s enjoying my careful attentions to her.”

That was it. I leveled the barrel of my piece at him. Periodically, I looked ahead, but the road stretched out flat and straight for another five miles. “You took her by force. I know my wife, Noodlum. She’d never enjoy the attentions of anyone as warped and twisted as you.”

He blubbered for a bit, unable to reply. How could he defend that? He was warped and twisted. Eventually he blathered, “Because I have style and talent. She’s sick of you. You’re old news. You’re yesterday’s dog shit, put in a paper bag and set on fire.”

That did it. The part where Maddy was sick of me, not the flaming dog poo. Because I knew it was true. And I had no idea how much this rednecky whackamole knew about our marriage. Had he tortured this admission out of her? Had he brainwashed her into believing she was sick of me? I knew she was sick of me, and it sickened my heart. I wanted to be someone new, someone exciting. Someone Maddy wanted to be around.

So I shot him.

I shot him clean through the brain, that part of him that was sending him such mixed signals. The poor loser, he must’ve been in such torment anyway. I rationalized that I was putting him down like a very sick dog. It was the compassionate thing to do. Some of his diseased brain matter splattered on the doll’s shoulder. That could’ve been Maddy. Maddy with some sociopath’s brains on her pretty shirt.

I slowed down a little to let Duji get a shot through the closed window. Noodlum’s body jerked as the bullet hit his brain—again. We all slowed as a pack to allow the Camaro to go as far as it would. That might be awhile if his body was slumped forward, the pressure of his foot on the gas pedal being maintained.

And that’s what happened. We all looked oddly at each other as the Camaro continued to shoot down the highway, so we followed at a safe pace.

“His pedal’s really to the metal,” shouted Duji.

Faux Pas and I looked at each other. Had we both missed? Was Noodlum’s brain so gnarled and crooked that he could have bullets lodged in certain areas and still keep driving? That was my exact thought when the car came to an abrupt, sudden halt.

I mean, it looked like it crashed into something there in the middle of nowhere. Like one of those invisible cartoon walls had been erected for no reason. Maybe there was a vortex. Maybe one was helping us, for once, now that we had hippies and Pokémon players on our side.

“Whoa!” cried Wolf. “That was amazeballs! What the fuck happened? He stopped so suddenly both his back wheels were off the ground!”

That was true. I’d seen the entire back half of the car rise and fall. Noodlum couldn’t have made it through that crash—whatever he’d crashed into.

As we neared, I saw the entire front hood of the Camaro was crumpled so badly it obstructed the windshield. It had accordioned in on the entire front seat. What the hell had he hit?

Noodlum was history. The steering wheel had been forced into his chest, the whole column flattening him. The column on this old car was angled perfectly to drive straight into the driver’s heart. If our bullets hadn’t killed him, his ruptured aorta would have. If we could have pulled the oozing, broken wreckage of his body from there, we might well have seen the word “Camaro” imprinted on his shredded forehead.

We put our kickstands down and ambled around to the front of the car.

“What in the name of…” mused Duji.

“Bonaparte’s balls?” finished Wolf.

There was a fucking pole, like a basketball hoop pole, sticking out the middle of the fucking road. It was only about four feet tall but that thing must’ve been cemented in stone, man. Sax, wandering around in the desert, found the actual basketball hoop and backboard, all perfectly intact.

“Those Hopi,” said Faux Pas, shaking his head. “They sure love their basketball.”

A text on my phone chimed. “Boss,” typed Fox from his sniper’s nest. “A smoking hot chick just pulled up on a SuperGlide.”

Smoking hot chick? Who the hell did I know who might be smoking hot who might pull up on a Harley? Maybe it was Brandi, coming to give me some intel. But her intel might only be about orbs.

“All right,” I said, putting my lid back on. “This guy is buried. You guys have all stepped up to the plate to assist a brother today, to rid us of this fucking menace to society. I want to thank you solemnly, from the bottom of my heart.” Cornily, I pounded my heart with my fist. So did a couple of them. It even looked like Knoxie had tears in his eyes. When I broke up the pledge of allegiance, I heard someone sniffling.

It was utterly refreshing to have my men at my back again. I only did about eighty back down the road toward the campfire. I had to do something nice for the Hopi—maybe build them a real basketball court, instead of one in the middle of a highway. The flicker of the hippies’ campfire actually looked inviting as I got closer. It made me consider even staying out in the desert that night, if we didn’t need to find Maddy.

But I didn’t need to find Maddy. My woman found me.

That smoking hot piece of lady was standing next to Noodlum’s SuperGlide, her hip cocked, grinning.

Hippies and citizens were fist-pumping that they’d finally been able to capture that elusive dino-thing, Mewtwo. It had taken them all day, and a doozy of a hike, but suddenly something was allowing him to be captured.

I only had eyes for my woman. Wrapping my arms around her, I bent her backward over the Super Glide’s seat. I buried my face in her neck, her soft ash-blonde hair. She responded by threading her fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp. Tears flooded my eyes, so I kept them squeezed shut.