Page 58 of Shadow Burn

“She’s a menace.”

He handed Katherine the plate. “Eat this.”

“What is it?”

“A turkey sandwich and fruit.”

“I don’t have time for this.”

“Five minutes to refuel won’t cause the world to end.”

She rubbed her forehead and hated the fact that her eyes were stinging. “Jasper, I have less than a day before Upton expects me back at Langley. If I don’t find something concrete, I either return the papers to the people who may be burying the truth or I refuse a direct order from an Associate Deputy Director with nothing but suspicion and a half-built theory.”

“You have a team.”

“I’m aware.”

“No, you’re not.” His voice stayed even, but he gave her a stern look. “You’re sitting in here as if the entire case rests on whether your eyes can keep focusing. All of us are working on leads. You aren’t the only person holding this up.”

The words should have comforted her. Instead, they scraped against a place inside her that had been raw since the bedroom door had splintered. “I’m the reason it’s happening.”

He sighed. “Don’t blame yourself.”

“I found the flag. I challenged the reassignment. I contacted Dr. Montgomery. I brought you into it. I moved the papers here. If I miss something⁠—”

“If you miss something, I’ll catch it.”

“You don’t know that. You haven’t even had time to check my notes.”

“I know you aren’t responsible for the actions of the man who tried to kill you or the people who sent him. And I’m starting on your notes after this.”

She took the plate and stared down at the food, but didn’t concede the point. “That’s not how it feels.”

His silence lasted long enough that she had to look back. “No,” he said. “It usually isn’t.”

The words landed softly. He knew how responsibility could ignore logic and settle into the body anyway.

“What happened to Deacon?” she asked.

He reared back slightly. “Nothing that concerns this case. It was a long time ago.”

“I’m sick of everything being about me right now. He was your best friend. Why?”

The air left his lungs in slow exhale. “He struggled in school and his dad was an angry drunk. He beat him on the regular. That’s why we made out pact—we were joining the Navy and he was going to get as far away from his old man as possible. When he was in a sub, miles under the water, his dad couldn’t touch him.”

“What happened?” she repeated, softer this time.

“One night…” He swallowed, looked away. “One night, Deacon couldn’t take it anymore. His father had gone on a bender, beat him up good. Usually he called me and the two of us would talk for hours about what it would be like being out at sea and far away from him. But that night”—Jasper shook his head—“I guess he’d let it slip that we were bailing the moment he turned eighteen. His dad lost it. Deacon couldn’t take it anymore. We were still six months from graduation and another two before he was old enough to join up. He took his own life that night.”

Katherine swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry. I know that’s not enough, but⁠—”

Jasper raised a hand. “It’s okay. I know what it’s like to blame yourself even when it’s not your fault. I’ve lived with guilt that I didn’t get him out of that house before it happened. That I didn’t realize how depressed he was, how scared of his father.” A shaky breath escaped his lips. “I’ll never not blame myself.”

“You were just a kid.”

“And you’re just an analyst who reported an anomaly.”

She held his gaze. The two incidents had nothing in common, but he was right—they both felt guilty for things that weren’t their fault.