Page 19 of Infernal Vices

“Oh, I always had an inkling that I preferred boys,” Charles admitted, “Not that I spent much time with girls. Cecily was a late baby and so I was already at prep school when she was born. My first time, well that was a revelation. Friends of my father came to our country house one summer,” he began. “The family had several daughters, and a son of my age, named James. The girls were given rooms of their own while James bunked with me in my large bed. During the nights we would sleepily rub off on one another. We never spoke during the act, and I could not say a word about it to him during the day for fear he would tell.”

“How old were you?”

“Fifteen. I knew then that I was different. I was worried, and admitted to my father that I did not think fondly of girls, or even get a stand when a girl looked at me and fluttered her eyes. My father is a man of the world. He showed me erotic photographs he’d collected on his travels, and the only ones that aroused my interest were of men. Therefore, we both knew that laying with a woman was not in my nature.” He paused to puff on his cigar, and I remained enthralled by his telling.

“And your father did not reject you?” I asked in confusion.

“Father is well travelled and knows the nature of men. He told me that homosexuality is not feared, but accepted in lots of other cultures. I am grateful that he has a world view and loves me for who I am and not an idea of what the Christian church wants me to be. I’d say, he’s ahead of his time in that regard.”

I would agree with Charles on that. He was lucky to have a father like Henry Ashe. “So what happened after that summer?”

“Mother gave birth to Cecily and father went to Russia on one of his many expeditions. I moved to a new school a little closer to London. The school was different from the last, where I’d had trouble fitting in. On my first day I was taken under the wing by a group of six boys. We became fast friends. One day I was passed a note by one of them, George, which said to meet in the bathroom block after lights out. I was curious and a little scared to be caught prowling the halls at night. But I did it, and when I got there, all six were waiting for me. The door was locked, and they shoved me on the floor.

“Goodness!”

“I fought back; terrified they were going to beat me. But George pulled down my trousers and then each of them spat on my prick.”

“They did what?” I exclaimed.

“Indeed. I was horrified and confused. That was until George took my hands, dragged me up from the floor, and explained that I’d been initiated into the Frigging Club. Anyone in the club was entitled to touch the others cocks. There was no question that I would not agree to be a part of that club. Then the six of them made a circle around me, they all got their cocks out, I was invited to touch and then and we stood together and touched one another until we spent. It was a rather joyous initiation…and as you now know I developed quite the hunger for blessed seed.”

I was rather gob smacked by the candour and detail of Charles’ sexual experiences at prep school. In comparison I was very much a late developer, for I was too terrified to frig myself as a boy and would wake nightly after nocturnal emissions and shamefully hide my soiled pyjamas so the maid would not find them. I was shy and reserved at school, and far too scared of God’s wrath to make advances on other boys. I had one close friendship at school to fire my imagination but, before Sebastian, Euan was my only reference to sharing physical pleasure with another man.

“What was your awakening like?” Charles asked.

“Oh. My parents were devout and my schooling was at St Switherns.”

“Oh, ohhh. Poor you!” I supposed he had heard of the awful goings on at the school and that it closed down after the abuses were made public.

“I was too confused in my youth to do anything about my feelings. But I too was certain I could not lay with a girl. The thought of it seemed foreign to me. And although I grew up to hold many women in high esteem, I determined to remain a bachelor. My first experiences were with Euan…Lord Ardmillan. We were at university together.” I paused, a little distressed by the memories. I did not want to speak about our disastrous relationship.

“Oh…goodness. I’m so sorry. I think the less said about the betrayer, the better, aye,” Charles pouted.

“I could not agree more!”

Charles puffed on the cigar for a quiet moment before tentatively asking, “What does it feel like…to be in love? I’ve not yet been blessed—” He sounded a little defeated and pitiful. Charles had enjoyed far more couplings than I, and it shocked me to discover that not one had developed into loving feeling. I thought on it for a second and although I had once been reluctant to be forthcoming, I was a now changed man, and I had learned that, in the right type of company, men really should talk about such things. I took a swig of Port, wetting my tongue before giving a hesitant, yet honest answer.

“Love. It is the best of feelings and the worst,” I confessed.

“The worst?” Ashe seemed surprised by my admission. He tapped the cigar on the crystal ashtray on the table beside his chair.

“Yes, allowing oneself to be vulnerable is a damnable struggle. It has little to do with the act itself or the pleasure. Love is a connection, wordless, worshipful. With the right partner, love is looking in another’s eyes and coming home to yourself. Do you understand?” I had consumed far too much alcohol and it loosened my lips, my words surprising even me!

“Gosh,” Charles stared at me hungrily. “How very poetic. I’m rather moved, Benedict. You are happy to be in love?”

“Happiness doesn’t cover it. Love is contentment, yes; it is an inner contentment that I’ve never experienced before. I recommend it!” I replied dreamily and continued to be surprised at how candid and prosaic I was in my response.

“Will this cause…problems for me within the brotherhood?”

“Does Robins know of our secret affiliation, or the great work?”

“No. I do not believe he would be agreeable to that.”

“Well, let’s keep it that way, old chap! Mum’s the word! What he does not know cannot hurt him.” Charles inhaled the cigar then tossed his head back and let a stream of blue grey smoke billow before revealing,

“You’re not the only brother to have a favourite. We live in the city of infernal vices, my friend. I’m sure you would be scandalized if you knew the sordid details!”

I found this rather curious and I wondered who among the men of power in Fratres Seminis retained a secret male lover and what scandalous behaviour Ashe could not mention. Were these men married?