Page 19 of The Shooting Season

“I’m so sorry. I’ve met men like Euan Ardmillan before. They want what they want and to hell with who gets in the way of their plans.”

“You said you were acquainted with him?”

“Ten minutes up against a cold alley wall is hardly an acquaintance. But yes, I know all about Euan Ardmillan and his tastes.”

I was shocked by the candor of the reply. My heart was beating double time in my chest. I could not believe that Sebastian had just admitted that he too favored male companions.

“Why did you seek me out?”

“Oh, at first it was because you were recommended as someone trustworthy that I could do business with.”

“Is that right?”

“I am very careful about who I approach. Discretion is paramount when one is a gentleman thief!” Sebastian grinned and I could feel his smile infect me.

“I’ve watched you for the past six months, Benedict Hannan.”

“I was your mark?”

“Yes, I suppose you were. But not for thievery. In making my measure of a man I like to test him under trying circumstances. If he passes the test I proceed to the next part of my plan—revealing my true identity.”

“Test, what test?” I did not like the idea of being tested without my knowledge.

Sebastian stood up then hunched his body, leaned on his chair and stood on one leg. He scrunched up his face and crooned,

“Ave a coppa for an old soldier sir?” He said, his cupped hand outstretched.

I sat up in my chair, my eyes bulging with surprise. “Josiah?”

“The very same, sir. You wuz awful good to me. You gave me coppa’s every day so’s I could get some ‘ot grub. You took me into your office durin’ the storm an’ let me sleep by your fire. You gave me bread an’ ‘unny wiv warm milk.”

“I did do that”, I recalled that Josiah was the old beggar who stood at the corner of my premises in Fitzrovia. I never had the heart to make him move on as many a shopkeeper did. I conversed with him and he told me he was a soldier for her Majesty in India and he had been injured. He could no longer find work because no one wanted to employ a cripple. I thought it better to show him fellow feeling than badger him to the next street corner. It was a short fall for all men to go from having a livelihood to injury sending us to the gutter. And so each day I would bid him good morning and toss a copper into his tin cup. I gave him shelter and food during a terrible storm that near washed every man and beast living on the streets toward the river. I could not leave my premises to return home that night so my workers and I made ourselves comfortable in our offices and remained overnight. Josiah slept on the floor in front of my fire. I’d offered him my couch but he refused.

“My goodness!” I stared at Cavell making theater as this old beggar. This revelation meant that I had allowed Sebastian Cavell into my business premises and slept in the same room as him. I recalled waking the morning after the storm to find Josiah gone. I knew that my secretary, Annie did not like the fact I had invited the smelly beggar into my office for shelter, but she’d remained tight-lipped. I did not believe him to be a thief, but after Josiah left she checked that nothing had been stolen and was frustrated that Josiah appeared to have left empty-handed.

I looked at the dashing Sebastian Cavell playing Josiah and realized I was completely wrong about both men. I could not help it. I began to laugh. I laughed so hard that tears sprang to cloud my vision. Sebastian Cavell was a marvelous actor and he had outfoxed me at every juncture. Sebastian relaxed his posture stood erect and then bowed. I applauded as he slumped down in his chair.

“You are indeed the most fascinating man I have met in many a year.” I laughed. And it was true. I should be alarmed and repulsed by Sebastian’s interest in me but I was secretly delighted. I felt comfortable in his company and that was a rare occurrence. I rescued the warmed bottle of Port from beside the fire and poured two generous glasses. I handed one to Cavell. He took a deep draught,

“The longer I watched you the more I became interested in you, Benedict, rather than the business side of my plan,” Sebastian admitted as he met my gaze. “You fascinate me. You are humble, benevolent, exceptionally intelligent, and dare I say it, rather easy on the eye for a man of your years. And yet, I do not understand why, in all the time I watched you I never saw you with a companion.”

“That is… my personal choice and no one else’s business.” I bumbled. I had not expected the conversation to become so personal and it made me deeply uncomfortable.

“I enjoyed playing Josiah. When in character I can watch people as they really are and they don’t see me, because who pays any mind to an old beggar? I watched you… saw how you looked at comely men who passed you in the street, forbidden men. You looked with such unquenched longing. It near broke my heart to know exactly what you were going through—you wanted and believed you could never have it.”

My throat closed up and my chest felt tight. Cavell gazed at me as if he could see into my very soul, blackened with the sin of my lust. That look made me naked.

“I know you believe your desire to be a sinful affliction. I used to think that too about my own desire. But having a heart is not a sin, Benedict. Falling in love is not a sin. Would a benevolent God really give us the capacity to love our fellow man and then bar us from expressing that love?”

We both fell silent and listened to the blizzard swirling outside. My mind was swirling too with trying to balance the teachings of the Church with my personal needs. I had denied myself for so very long that these feelings thundering inside me made me feel unstable as if the ground I’d spent these last thirty years walking upon was cracking beneath my feet. What did this man want from me? I was torn. I was a nothing, a nobody, and yet Sebastian was in my room speaking in terms that made me equally ache with longing and recoil with disgust. Then Sebastian said,

“You are a religious man?”

“I am.”

“And yet you covert The Staff of Asklepios. Is that not problematic for you?”

I stared at him, non-plussed.