Page 89 of Dreams and Reptiles

Francis came flying out of the house shouting at them to stop.

“Leave them alone—those are my boyfriend’s animals! They’re not going to hurt you, dumbass!”

I ran toward the house, but Francis got there first and turned off the water. He yanked the hose out of the guy’s hands just as one of the others was about to put his hands on Marlon Brando, who stretched out his neck and gave him an open-mouthed grumble.

“Get away from him, you bitch!” Francis turned the hose back on and blasted the men, who backed away from the tortoises.

“Everyone calm down,” I shouted. I went to Francis’s side and turned off the water. “Are you okay?”

“No! They tried to hurt Marlon Brando! And they aren’t even supposed to be here,” he said, pointing at the men.

Thankfully, Alberto had thought to bring snacks, and he was in the process of leading the guys back to my place.

“Wait, you guys are those strippers!”

They turned tail and started to go back inside the guest wing, when Francis snapped his fingers. “Uh-uh. You’re not registered guests. You need to leave.”

Just then, three things happened:

A very worn-out Karen stumbled out the doors with makeup smeared down her face.

The caterer, florist, and bartender showed up, ready to get to work.

And a tall Asian man I’d never seen before came walking out of Francis’s house, pursued by Anne and Judy.

“Karen, what is happening here?” Francis said. “You’re getting married in under two hours!”

“No, I’m not,” she said, leaning into one of the bridesmaids. “I can’t. I’ve got to talk to Todd.”

I put my hand on Francis’s back and was about to ask him if he was okay, when Evelyn came screaming up in her Cadillac SUV. She climbed out of her car with a hand against her chest. “What is going on, Karen?”

“I can’t do it. I’m not getting married.”

“Francis?”

Francis stepped around me, and his eyes widened as he saw the Asian man. His face lost all color.

“Dad?”

“Dominic, this is really not a good time,” Anne said, taking the man by his arm. She tugged him back inside, and Francis held up a hand.

“Dad, let me deal with this, and then I’ll be inside.”

The man looked between us and nodded. He allowed Anne and Judy to bring him back in the house.

“Dad? Francis? What happened?” Shay came trotting up the path from where she’d been hanging pink tulle on the back of the chairs.

“Oh, everything.” Francis sighed and put a hand to his forehead. “Let’s deal with this fallout first. Shay? Can you please tell the caterers to hold on a minute?”

“Baby, what can I do?”

We both looked at the tortoises, who were already halfway back to the fence following Alberto like he was the Pied Piper.

Francis turned to me. “Stay? In case I need backup? In case someone passes out? That someone being me?”

I patted his back and followed him over to where Evelyn and Karen were arguing. The strippers had slinked away back to their cars, and the bridesmaids were back inside the guest wing watching through the window.

“Grandma, I am not going to marry him. I had an arrhythmia last night.”