Page 85 of Dreams and Reptiles

“HR violation,” Shay cried out, pointing at me. “You’re not allowed to make innuendos about my dad while we’re working.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“I did,” Mom said with a wink. “And I’m his mom, so I get to give him a hard time whenever I want to.” She gave Shay a challenging look, and Shay sighed.

“Fine. But no jokes about firefighter strippers.”

No sooner had she said that than there was a knock on the door. I went to go answer—and opened it to find three Hollywood-ready pretend fire boys.

“Can I help you?”

Their costumes were obviously from the Halloween store or equivalent, complete with thin material they were busting out of, plastic hats, fake badges, and they were all chewing gum. Loudly.

“We got a call about a fire.” One of them pulled down his aviator sunglasses and winked at me.

His act did absolutely nothing for me.

“Oh, Sha-ay?” I called in a singsong voice I knew she’d hate.

She met me at the door with a look of abject horror on her face.

“Did you call about a fire?”

“No? What do you… Oh, God. You’re here for the bachelorette party?”

The tallest one stepped forward, held up his phone, and flexed his biceps as he did. “Is this five-zero-zero Lakeshore Road?”

“It is, but you’re needed around the other side of the house. By the pool. Not here.”

The shortest one, who was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, looked down at his nails and said, “You sure, little lady?”

“So sure.”

She turned around and stormed back into the kitchen, and I fought to keep from laughing in their faces.

The winky one ran his tongue over his teeth and tilted his head to the side. “How ’bout you?”

“Thanks, I have my own fireman’s pole.” I winked back at him and shut the door.

“Francis! You crushed that poor man.”

I entered the kitchen to find Mom and Auntie Judy looking at my phone.

“What are you…?”

They’d pulled up the camera feed and were watching as two of the fire boy strippers consoled the one I’d shot down.

“You two are impossible.”

“Strippers and sex toys? Without question, you’re going to need to decontaminate that building, Francis. Maybe ask your fireman’s pole if he’s got a Hazmat unit.”

Shay shrieked, Mom and Judy high-fived and laughed their asses off, and I just shook my head.

“I’m descended from comediennes.”

The bachelorette party lasted way into the night. By the time I went to meet Kendall in the gazebo around midnight, when he got home from his shift, I was in a foul mood.

“Why is this kid even marrying her? She’s so rude. Do you know when they arrived, she asked if the security cameras on the property could be turned off? What the hell?”