Page 82 of Dreams and Reptiles

“I was so afraid you were going to get angry with her, tell her you were disappointed, tell her you were ashamed of her. I almost got up and left. I couldn’t hear that from you.”

I carried him over to the gazebo, and we sat on the steps. “I would never. But I can understand why you’d worry about that.”

“He’s called me a couple of times and left messages. I haven’t listened, just read the transcript. ‘Call me, Francis.’ I’m too afraid to talk to him. I can’t hear that disappointment from him again.” His body was trembling.

“I didn’t know,” I said.

He laughed, but it wasn’t full of joy and humor like usual. “I thought I could just ignore it, but I still have nights when I wonder what he would think about the business decisions I’ve made. I still feel so guilty about their divorce, though I know my mom is so much happier now. He wasn’t an angry father. He never yelled at me. He’s actually quite soft-spoken. He was never physically violent with me, but he also never, ever would have physically comforted me when I was upset.

“I would have hated to cry in front of him. But then, I never told him I didn’t love what I was doing. I got rid of all of my painting supplies when he asked if I wasn’t busy enough at work, if that was why I had time for such things. I don’t think it was coming from a place of cruelty, he just legit couldn’t fathom wanting to create something beautiful simply for the sake of doing it.”

“Yeah, but Francis... Your father wasn’t willing to hear your side of what happened at work. He kicked you out even though he knew you were going through a difficult time.”

“But in his mind, I’d brought it on myself, and I wasn’t accepting responsibility for my actions. He didn’t know what happened with my boss. No, he didn’t ask… but I keep wondering if he would have changed his mind if he knew.”

“Do you think you’ll feel better if you talk to him?”

Francis laughed. “It depends, I guess, on whether or not he wants my side of the story. If nothing has changed for him, then do I really need to put myself through that?”

We both breathed for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to take you away from Shay.”

“She gave me the sendoff when we got home.” I pulled him onto my lap so I could hold him close.

“Ironic that we’re having daddy issues at the same time but from different sides,” he said with a snort.

I groaned. “Thanks for reminding me of the age gap.”

“Does it really bother you, my love?”

He had his hand under my button-up and was trying to pull my undershirt out of my pants so he could get to my skin. I lifted my hips so he could manage, and he sighed happily once his fingers came in contact with my bare chest.

“I wouldn’t say it bothers me. I don’t think about it much anymore when we’re together. But I worried a little about what Shay would think. And talking about your dad makes me wonder what he’d say. Not that I’d care unless it made things difficult for you, but I did wonder… What if Shay was dating someone so much older? What would I think?”

“Shay’s still figuring herself out. I think age gaps are different depending on where the couple are in their lives. If I would have met you at twenty-five, it might have been a little odd. I was categorically less me than I am now. I loved to go out and get tipsy, stay out way too late and then go to work the next day. But I was already working in finance and had been out on my own for six years while in college. I was living back at home, but like I said, my parents and I were like roommates. I wouldn’t have been as able to articulate what I wanted from a relationship as I can now. Shay hasn’t had the same experiences as me, but she’s had others I haven’t had. So yeah, I think it’s different. But what do I know?” He laughed. “Maybe you won’t have to even think about that, and she’ll find a nice boy or girl her own age.”

“Probably boy, but who knows? At her age, I wouldn’t have ever imagined ending up with a guy.”

He gazed at me with a dreamy smile. “Is that what you’ve done?”

“Ended up with a guy? I sure hope so.”

I held him for a long time as we enjoyed the quiet of the evening. He chuckled several minutes later.

“I still haven’t gotten used to this.”

“Used to what, baby?”

“The quiet. No traffic sounds but nature sounds. I heard the weirdest sound the other night. It was like this long buzzing sound. And I swear I heard someone crying one night. It freaked me out.”

“The buzzing is probably katydids. They make all kinds of rhythmic sounds in the summer. And the crying was probably coyotes.”

“Coyotes? No, this sounded like a person. I almost called you, but you were at work. I thought maybe it was an iguana mating call, and Richard and Elizabeth were getting frisky.”

I laughed. “Trust me. The only people out here are you and me and your mom and auntie. You make sure it wasn’t them?”

He elbowed me, and that led to a bit of wrestling and more kissing.