Page 65 of Beautiful Disaster

I sigh and sit down at the table. I reach for the photograph, the only one of Jude and me. “I have these things for him. He’s not only my boyfriend but my sub. I’ve been a Dom… dominant since college.” I set the picture down and stare at the table. It’s all out now. “There’s nothing wrong with it,” I explain. “Lots of people do this. I just like… having control, power. It feels good. You wouldn’t understand.”

“No, we do not understand,” Mom snaps. Then the tears start, and she wails. “You are a sinful boy!”

“I’m not a boy, Mama.”

But I feel like one right now. They’ve reduced me from a thirty-one-year-old to a thirteen-year-old.

“You are a sinner. You lie with a man and use these… evil things.”

“Mama… Papa… Please. This isn’t evil. I’m not a sinner. I’m a good person. Jude is a good person. I love him.”

“Love?!” she scoffs. “Men marry women! They have babies. I deserve grandchildren after all I’ve done for you.”

There is no way I’ll live a life married to a woman. I can’t pretend I’m not gay for the rest of my life. I’ll slowly suffocate and die.

Dad stands and clasps his hands behind his back. “Your mother is right. You will start attending church again and beg for forgiveness.” His tone is quiet but filled with an authority I’d never been able to achieve, even as a Dom. “You will get rid of these… things. And you will never see that man again. If you disobey me, you will never see us again. You bring shame to our family. We cannot accept you into our lives if you choose this deviant life.”

It’s not a choice, I yell in my head.

Mom’s chin lifts proudly because Dad is siding with her. No surprise there. They’ve always been a united front when it comes to me.

I drop my head to hide the tears forming. I’m at a crossroads: Jude or my family. No, I wouldn’t just be losing Jude if I agreed to my dad’s terms. I’d be losing a part of myself. Not just as a gay man, but as a Dom, which has become such a huge part of who I am.

When I say nothing, Mom also stands. “So be it,” she says when I don’t respond.

Panic courses through me. I love them. They mean well. Maybe in time, I can convince them to love all of me. I can’t risk losing them. “Fine! Just… love me for who I am. Please.”

Mom rests her hand on top of my head. “We do love you, which is why we’re so disappointed. It is why we want you to be the best you can be. But that’s not as a sinner, son. This is reckless. You will burn in hell.”

I wouldn’t. While I’m also Catholic, I don’t really follow the faith. I just don’t see things the way they do. My only choice is to wait and work on them to accept me as a gay man. But I’ll have to let Jude go, and I don’t want to. I love him so much. He’s also the most perfect sub I’ve ever had.

“Fine,” I say again and stand. I can’t look at them as I walk off and lock myself in my bedroom. When I hear them leave, I come out and put all the toys back in the room. I’ll throw them away in the morning.

My gut and heart feel empty, like I just lost part of my soul.

“So, let me get this straight… Having parents is just as bad as not having any? Ugh. And here I am, wishing I had a family and wasn’t stolen or bought.”

I lift his chin to look at me. “There are a lot of good parents out there. Some are bad, some are wonderful, just like everyone else in this world. You’ve come across so many bad people. It’s easy not to see the good in others after what you’ve been through. My parents were just… their belief system was true to them. God was law. It’s just ignorance. They weren’t bad people.”

“I’m sorry your parents didn’t accept you,” he says with the sweetest eyes, filled with empathy.

I smile and kiss his forehead. “Who says you’re not affectionate?”

“Me. My girlfriends.”

“But you like to hold people at night.”

“That’s for me, not them.”

“Still—”

Jinx presses a finger to my lips. “Nope. We’re done talking about me. So, what happened to Jude?”

It was easier to talk about my parents’ shock and anger. Talking about Jude… With a shuddered breath, I close my eyes and force myself to face that day.

“I told him we had to end things. He… didn’t take it well. Hell, I wasn’t doing much better. I didn’t realize the extent of his feelings for me. Yes, we loved each other. But Jude begged to stay with me. God… the tears and sobbing. It crushed me. I resented my parents at that moment for putting me in this position. Forcing me to make a choice. Giving me an ultimatum. In the end, I chose my parents.”

I pull away from Jinx and sit on the edge of the bed, running my fingers through my hair. I just can’t look at him right now. He also sits up, but noticing I need distance, he doesn’t touch me.